Good Week

This week was a good week.

What a pleasure to say that.  The definition of good, in this case, was all circumstantial, but it was quite simply good.  There was a time where I wondered if/when I would have a simply good day/week again without it requiring an act of my will and attitude.

The circumstances which defined good for this week are:

• Nathan got a parking pass at school!  There were no passes available and a few of the conversations I had looked pretty negative but in the end, he has a pass.
• Nathan is set to start PCC in January!  He still needs to be accepted but it looked like a large block to beginning the process might be difficult to move and it simply evaporated.
• Nathan has a car!  It looks like a reliable, affordable car that fits Nathan's personality.  And I no longer have to drive everywhere!
• Nathan passed his driving test on his first try!
• A friend, Aaron Doerr, was kind enough to record Caleb's phone message for me so I can now proceed with taking his phone off my bill.  This good was a more normal good in that it was a really hard process.  But, I have been attempting this for over a year, and it was a relief to get it done.
• Josh has had 2 good interviews for a job he really wants!
• I was able to buy tall boots that fit!  I have been trying to buy boots for 12 years and could never find a pair that fit.  

All of these are so small but they made a good week.  And all are so ridiculous in the big scheme of life.  But I have enjoyed my good week for the simple pleasure it is.

God is GOOD all the time!  Not just when circumstances are easy but ALL the time.

2 Years

It's been two years since Caleb died.  It's impossible to describe this journey.  There is never a day where it feels like 2 years ago - that is so long.  It always feels like time has passed without me tracking it.  It doesn't feel like yesterday anymore but how can it possibly have been 2 years?

I remember last year at this time.  I was so overwhelmed, unable to do much more than barely function for the day.  My grief was so very large and looming that I didn't know how to manage it or process it.  This year is different.  Not so much less grief but I am better at managing it.  This year the over-riding feeling is weariness.  I am so very tired.

 But this year also has hope.  And life.  As I watch the other kids become more functional and begin living.  It's as if we are learning how to live with our grief instead of living through grief.  Grief is no longer the driving force.  Although it's still a big influence, we are learning to put it in perspective and not allow it to destroy us any longer.

I imagine it is like a person who has lost a limb in an accident.  At first, there is the shock and constant pain and constant desire to have things back to normal.  And then there is the rehab process - learning how to function without that limb and compensate for it's absence.  Eventually, a person can function seamlessly - as though that limb were not missing.  Although, I would imagine, that person never forgets they are missing a limb and some days they notice it's absence more than other days.

I want to be the person who learns to function well with a missing piece and not be the person who is always focused on what is missing.  Last year, I wondered if we/I would be able to see beyond our loss and this year I see that process happening - HOPE.

God is, and always has been, GOOD.  I cannot express how grateful I am to have a compassionate God who is living, active, responsive, and personally involved in my life.  And, I am grateful and blessed to have a husband who has actively sought God through this process and purposed to walk compassionately and honestly with me.

Check out his blog at http://troyfarwell.blogspot.com/