2016 in Reflection

As I look back at 2016, I see a long year with lots of hope.  I am beginning to understand (again - like for the 5th or 6th time) that a good year does not equate with a year without pain.  I keep hoping for a "better" year - meaning a year with less pain - but that is not likely from here on out.

I think I will likely live the rest of life in "paradox", meaning "both/and" instead of  "either/or".  Both grief and joy instead of either grief or joy.  Both hope and disappointment.  Both fun and sadness.  Both better and worse.  Both loss and gain.  Often at the same time.

An example of this was my mom's death in August 2016.  I had the privilege of ushering her into heaven and had a glimpse of heaven in the process.  Such sadness at the loss of her presence and such hope at the experience of the presence of God.  Another example was Nathan's graduation from High School in March 2016.  Such relief at his making it through, fear of the unknown future, such joy at being able to celebrate him, sense of loss for his HS experience, sadness because of a chapter ending (he's my youngest), and hope because of the start of a new chapter.  And still another example occurred in June 2016.  I can't relate the details but there was a deep loss and grief and included was the privilege of walking life with another and the knowledge that I was a vehicle of God's acceptance and love and therefore the privilege and certainty of knowing I was His hands and feet that day.

Included with the many places of loss in my world was the beginning of a new adventure - I started Seminary in September 2016 - at age 53!  Who knows what I will do with this new degree but I am enjoying the journey.  For the first time in 6 years, I feel a spark of life.  It was so unexpected and unfamiliar, it took me by surprise.

And my Caleb grief was very different this year.  At times more intense and overwhelming yet at the same time more short-lived.  I expected Nathan's graduation to be hard but I was able to just focus on Nathan and not mourn Caleb's graduation.  We were able to change the picture of his birthday this year and give Sam back her birthday day (their birthdays are 2 days apart).  I was able to say the words "Merry Christmas" this year without wanting to vomit.  I was able to open presents without holding back tears the whole time.  I was able to enjoy a game night on New Year's Eve without hating every minute.  Yet, I was very angry on his deathday.  And I miss him so much more and so much harder.

I have no idea what better looks like anymore.  I have no idea how to describe better or what to look for or expect.  What I do know is that living with both/and makes sense and to enjoy the positive that comes with "and" means pain will be included.  I am willing to endure the pain to get to the really beautiful joy and good.  Even if that does look different that it used to.  This good has more power behind it and lasts longer.

Mom's Death

My mom died this year on August 2nd, 2016.  She spent 2 full years being sick and battling various reincarnations of the same problem.

Her illness started in August 2014.  I remember being frustrated with her at Samantha's birthday party, Sept 2.  She was acting sick, hadn't said a word about Caleb's birthday (Aug 31) or much about Sam's graduation in June and was just being self-centered.  Little did I know how very sick she actually was that day and how much energy it took for her to come to the party.

In October that year, I began going to doctor appointments with my parents and visiting Mom at the hospital regularly.  I spent most of October - December 2014 doing my best to support them.  This included helping Dad figure out how to cook for a wife who wouldn't eat, clean house, give him encouragement as he watched his best friend lose 50 pounds in 3 months and help him make decisions and manage the healthcare system.  And 3 weeks of December, visiting Mom every 2 or 3 days in the hospital.

She left the hospital with a 10" long, 2" wide incision left open due to a vicious virus.  As soon as that (mostly) healed, she started Chemo in April.  So I joined them almost every chemo visit and continued to help with meals and general encouragement.  Finally, the time came to do another surgery and hopefully fix things up and she could begin truly healing.  But, no, surgery time in November 2015 brought news of incurable cancer.  So now, came 8 months of waiting to die.  And watching my dad watch and wait for her to die and watch his heart break in the process.

In the middle of all this, March 2016, mom fell and broke her hip.  Seriously!?!

Starting in June 2016, mom went on hospice and I spent 3 days a week over there, to love mom, to give dad a break and love dad, and just to be with mom.  Most of that time, mom didn't respond much.  For one, it took too much energy that she didn't have.  For another, I'm not sure she knew what to say or how to respond.

My analysis of all this is all over the place emotionally.  It was a privilege to watch mom and dad walk through this.  They were truly each other's best friends.  What an example of a good marriage relationship!  It was inspiring to watch them and want what they had.  And mom was literally, every nurse's favorite patient.  She was always so positive and easy going - the nurses loved her and would do anything for her.  She never complained and she always had a smile for everyone who came in her room.  Even after she broke her hip, she did not give up but tried hard to get better, even though she knew there was nothing to get better for - time was running out no matter what she did.

I personally enjoyed watching her and truly considered it a privilege to be a part of this process and didn't resent the time I spent with them in the slightest.  But at the same time, I felt like this woman I was watching was not the mom I knew.  I wished I had known this woman earlier.  I wished she had liked me and that I had given her a break a long time ago.  So I felt a loss and a lot of guilt during this time as well.

And then the day of her death came.  I had come Sunday at midnight and she died Tuesday morning.  I probably slept 4 hours during that time.  I was watching this beautiful woman, my dad's whole life, this positive energy, this lover of God fade away to nothing.  I was holding her hand when she left earth.  What an amazing moment!  She opened her eyes as she was taking her last breath and I'm certain she could see heaven in that moment and was looking at where she was going.  What an amazing transition!  In that moment, I was able to look at heaven as a place of beauty.

After Caleb (my son) died, I became angry at heaven.  I don't know how to explain it.  I understand all the theology and that Caleb was in a place of beauty and rest but I couldn't see it that way.  All I could see was that heaven had taken Caleb from me.  Caleb shouldn't be in heaven, he should be here.  Heaven was not a place of good for him, it was a place of bad for me.  But when I watched mom move from here to there, I suddenly saw heaven as a place of welcome.  Caleb was welcoming mom into his home of beauty.  He was going to show her around and she was going to introduce him to people he didn't know yet.  And my mom was going to be LOVED by her mom (who didn't love her well on earth) and mom was going to be able to laugh fully and dance because now she had the energy to do that.  Which means Caleb was doing all those things as well.  Caleb is well-loved where he is.  And probably being the head of the welcome committee.

So, mom gave me a beautiful gift in her death.  By ushering her into heaven, I was able to break the chains earth had put on me and I am beginning to see the gift that heaven is.  God intends heaven to be a gift large enough to produce hope and joy in the future.  That gift had been tainted for me and now I have the opportunity to see the gift for what it is and enjoy it.  I miss mom.  I miss Caleb.  I miss the kids in heaven I haven't met yet.  I am looking forward to seeing all of them.  But I am more so looking forward to better knowing the God that created heaven and His heart behind that creation.

4 years

It's been 4 years.  I can't believe it has been so long.  And yet, it will always be so close.  This year it seems like a wicked, cruel joke.  It's far enough away it doesn't seem real and yet close enough I can feel the pain sharply.

I hate that it's starting to feel normal.  I hate that I was hoping it wouldn't hurt so much this year.  I hate how angry I am this time.  I hate most how much it hurts my other kids so much and that I can do nothing about it.

I felt a spark of life this Fall and to now come back down to my reality feels like a long drop.  It seems more intense but since it came later than usual I guess it just came harder.  I miss Caleb more this year than ever.  I just miss him.  So much.

I know the right thing to say is to proclaim the Goodness of God.  God has been good.  And I acknowledge that daily.  And I am willing to submit to the Sovereign decisions of the Creator.  And I truly believe that pain is not bad but often is a path to intimacy with God.  And I believe intimacy with God is of more value than anything else in life.  But I am hating the pain right now.  It hurts.  It hurts deeply.  And there's no way to stop it.

The New Year

Wow!  It's been a while since I wrote here.  It's also been a hard year.  I feel I am barely making it to the next activity and haven't had time to have emotions.  Then, of course, I have decided to try counseling, which just brings those emotions up to the forefront.  And, I am intimately involved with my parents and my moms battle with cancer.  So, I guess there are good reasons for not writing.

Which brings me to the new year.  I used to really enjoy the New Year.  I loved the energy of a new start - the hope, the adventure, the plans.  I loved the opportunity to leave the past behind and start new.  I was certain I would fail at any resolutions so I refused to make them but I loved the hope of change.

I also LOVED to get together on New Year's Eve with friends and play games.  One of my top ten favorite days of the year.  My family doesn't like playing games with me and I love to play games so this night was always my night to play games with no coercing or complaining and we could play for HOURS.

It also was the end of Christmas.  I adored Christmas and actually hated taking down all the decorations but that was also a fresh start of it's own.  Everything in the house got touched.  I used to clean out and organize all the kids' rooms (they needed space for their new toys and clothes), I would sometimes rearrange the furniture, common rooms would look uncluttered after all the Christmas was put away, everything would be dusted and cleaned.  It was just fresh.

Now, though, all of those things I looked forward to have a completely different affect.  Now, I can barely wait for Christmas to be done.  I just want to get through it.  Therefore cleaning it up is exhausting.  Especially putting away the stockings and ornaments (Caleb's in particular).  I am so very low on energy from the efforts of Christmas that cleaning it up zaps what's left.  Instead of feeling and looking fresh everything just feels empty - magnified by the energy of the month before.

Hence, I don't have the energy to spend time with other people - especially on New Year's Eve.  I just want to crawl in a corner and be hidden and invisible.  Smiling seems an impossible task, having fun seems a betrayal, playing games, which used to be energy giving, seems pointless and energy zapping.

And the hope of a new year is now excruciating.  I don't want another year to pass.  I don't want to have to start again, a new year, trying to figure out how to better manage my life with this loss.  I don't want to mark the continuation of time.  I want to pretend each new day is just a day, not more time since Caleb smiled, and I can't avoid that truth at the change of years. I want to crawl in bed on December 30th and sleep until January 3rd and pretend nothing changed.

I know it is just another day.  I know the passing of time happens whether I acknowledge it or not.  I know taking down Caleb's stocking and ornaments will be hard but recognizing his place in our lives by putting them up is worth it.  I know others are simply enjoying celebrating and want to include me - which I know is a gift.  I know my life is NOT empty - my husband, my kids, my incredible friends and my family are filling my world.  I know I can sleep for 4 days if I want to and I know that will not change anything and it won't help.

And I know God is not limited to time and one day I won't be either.  Right now that concept is far beyond my grasp.  I can't see beyond time.  My logic can't win this emotional battle.  And, today, ending this on a positive note seems out of my reach.  I do know God is Good.  And He is present.  And that will need to be enough.

Highly Successful Mom and Miserable Failure Mom

I have been thinking about this post for several months. If you know me at all, you know I tend to focus on my failures and discount my successes.  I call it humility and Troy calls it low self esteem.  He is probably closer to right than I am.  But if I step back and take an objective look at my parenting results I have to honestly admit that I have been successful.

If you look at my world from my eyes, I see failure everywhere.  Two of the boys walked away from their faith in High School.  They made it very clear they didn't want to believe in God or have anything to do with the church.

Some were pretty angry and harsh with their words - at least in our house - when they were teens.  They made it clear I had not been what they needed in a parent.

3 of the 4 refused to put out any effort in school.  Although all 4 are brilliant and could get easy A's on all the tests without needing to study, they refused to do the work required to do much more than barely pass a class.

The boys couldn't be coerced or rewarded or punished enough to keep their rooms cleans or do any chores.  I gave up quickly (failure) since I couldn't face the fight it required.

One is a smoker.  Two drank alcohol early and got drunk (we don't keep alcohol in the house).  Two got involved with marijuana (and more).  And both did it in the house even though I regularly threw fits about it.

One has chosen to follow a different lifestyle regarding their sexuality.

And the ultimate failure.  I was not enough to help Caleb find his value in life and so he choose to end his life and stated my inadequacy as he did so.

But there is more to the story.  All 4 of my children are kind and thoughtful to others.  Each does it differently than the others and some do it easier with people outside the family but all 4 are truly kind.

All 4 of my children are generous.  Some with their talents, some with their time, some with their resources, some with their emotions but all 4 look for ways to improve the world around them by giving something of themselves.

All 4 of my children are independent thinkers.  As that was a goal of my parenting, I consider it a success.  Some fight harder then the others to prove their independent thinking but all are willing to consider a subject and make up their own opinion of it without necessarily following the crowd. This meant watching some of them walk away from and even despise some of the values that I worked so hard to instill in them but I am proud that they are thinkers - even if it doesn't match my thinking.

All 4 of my children are respectful - specifically to adults when they were younger - but now that they are all adults, that includes all people.  They are able to hold conversations with people they don't know or don't like.  They can interact with young kids and stay engaged with them.  They can respectfully disagree and are willing to let others have a different opinion.

All 4 of my children are good at being friends.  They know how to consider the other person.  They know how to give.  And they know how to take when they need to.

All 4 of my children have a good work ethic.  They are willing to work for what they want and need and they know how to work hard even when doing tasks they don't like.

All 4 of my children appreciate Troy and me and enjoy our company - even though they don't agree with or hold to our value and belief systems.  It is always such a joy to be enjoyed by them.

And all 4 of my children acknowledge that God exists, that He is God, that He is Good and that He is for them.  One still doesn't want to acknowledge God as Lord but he knows who God is.

So when I look at these lists, I notice that the list of failures was focused primarily on behavior while the list of successes is primarily character traits.  I parented for character.  I told the kids that over and over - I cared about their behavior but I cared more about their character.  They could behave whatever way they were choosing as long as they were giving it their best effort and were being kind and respectful (although some behaviors brought harsher consequences than others).  Caleb tested this concept best when he would come home with an "F" in a class with a comment next to it saying "pleasure to have in class".  I am truly proud of all 4 of my children.

And, yes, I am well aware of the fact that I no longer have 4 children but Caleb was all those things before he died.  And I was proud of him.

And I am trying to redefine success.  Caleb's choice to take his own life often clouds my judgement on this, but my head tells me - I was a good parent.  And I am lucky to have 3 good kids that call me mom.

Good Week

This week was a good week.

What a pleasure to say that.  The definition of good, in this case, was all circumstantial, but it was quite simply good.  There was a time where I wondered if/when I would have a simply good day/week again without it requiring an act of my will and attitude.

The circumstances which defined good for this week are:

• Nathan got a parking pass at school!  There were no passes available and a few of the conversations I had looked pretty negative but in the end, he has a pass.
• Nathan is set to start PCC in January!  He still needs to be accepted but it looked like a large block to beginning the process might be difficult to move and it simply evaporated.
• Nathan has a car!  It looks like a reliable, affordable car that fits Nathan's personality.  And I no longer have to drive everywhere!
• Nathan passed his driving test on his first try!
• A friend, Aaron Doerr, was kind enough to record Caleb's phone message for me so I can now proceed with taking his phone off my bill.  This good was a more normal good in that it was a really hard process.  But, I have been attempting this for over a year, and it was a relief to get it done.
• Josh has had 2 good interviews for a job he really wants!
• I was able to buy tall boots that fit!  I have been trying to buy boots for 12 years and could never find a pair that fit.  

All of these are so small but they made a good week.  And all are so ridiculous in the big scheme of life.  But I have enjoyed my good week for the simple pleasure it is.

God is GOOD all the time!  Not just when circumstances are easy but ALL the time.

2 Years

It's been two years since Caleb died.  It's impossible to describe this journey.  There is never a day where it feels like 2 years ago - that is so long.  It always feels like time has passed without me tracking it.  It doesn't feel like yesterday anymore but how can it possibly have been 2 years?

I remember last year at this time.  I was so overwhelmed, unable to do much more than barely function for the day.  My grief was so very large and looming that I didn't know how to manage it or process it.  This year is different.  Not so much less grief but I am better at managing it.  This year the over-riding feeling is weariness.  I am so very tired.

 But this year also has hope.  And life.  As I watch the other kids become more functional and begin living.  It's as if we are learning how to live with our grief instead of living through grief.  Grief is no longer the driving force.  Although it's still a big influence, we are learning to put it in perspective and not allow it to destroy us any longer.

I imagine it is like a person who has lost a limb in an accident.  At first, there is the shock and constant pain and constant desire to have things back to normal.  And then there is the rehab process - learning how to function without that limb and compensate for it's absence.  Eventually, a person can function seamlessly - as though that limb were not missing.  Although, I would imagine, that person never forgets they are missing a limb and some days they notice it's absence more than other days.

I want to be the person who learns to function well with a missing piece and not be the person who is always focused on what is missing.  Last year, I wondered if we/I would be able to see beyond our loss and this year I see that process happening - HOPE.

God is, and always has been, GOOD.  I cannot express how grateful I am to have a compassionate God who is living, active, responsive, and personally involved in my life.  And, I am grateful and blessed to have a husband who has actively sought God through this process and purposed to walk compassionately and honestly with me.

Check out his blog at http://troyfarwell.blogspot.com/

one wish

"If you had one wish, what would it be?"

I actually get asked that question surprisingly often.  In my circles of death, the answer is usually "one more day with ..."

Probably surprisingly, that is not my answer.  It never has been.  I know that one more day would never be enough.  I know that the pain of saying good-bye again might be too much.  I know that after that "one more day" I would only want more and so what I really want is a lifetime, not a day.

So what would my wish be?

I have been thinking a lot about that lately.  My response has been:

"To know for sure that Caleb was convinced of how much I valued him, how much I loved him, how much I liked him, how proud I was of him, how much hope I had for his future."

The truth is, my wish has come true.  Caleb now knows his true value.  He has heard it - in person - from the only One who has the ability to give value.  The value God can give Caleb is so much greater than any value I can give Caleb.  And he is now fully convinced of his immeasurable value to his Creator, the Sovereign Ruler of the world, his Savior.  What more could I possibly want for Caleb?

The reality is, truth has not yet given my heart the rest and comfort it so desperately desires.  I know for sure that Caleb is convinced of his value.  But, obviously, my wish coming true isn't that helpful so maybe it is not truly what my "one wish" would be.

Troy talks to God about Caleb and asks God to communicate things to him.  I'm not sure what I think of that but since I am not convinced that's how the system works, it would give me no peace or comfort to talk to Caleb through God so I don't.  At the moment, I don't believe the dead hear us - why would they listen when they have angels and God Himself to listen to?  Isn't that why we long for heaven so much - to be rid of all this earth has to offer?  But that leaves me with no options for communicating this "one wish" to Caleb.

So, now, I guess I need to begin the process of gaining comfort from the truth.  My "one wish" has come true.  Caleb may not have known those things on earth but he does now.  I guess my one wish is not that he knows those now but actually that he knew those - somewhere in his heart - before he died.  That I will never know.

Either way, he does know that now.  Of that I am convinced.

And one day, truth will win over wishes in my heart.

Anger / Forgiveness / Guilt / Grace

I so very much appreciate my husband.  I am a true introvert.  I don't process well with people around, even family.  I need time alone to truly process important things.  So, this weekend, he allowed me time alone at the beach without making me feel guilty and without being offended.  What a gift he gives me!

My processing this weekend had taken me a couple different directions.  In circles of grief, we often talk about anger and forgiveness.  I have had trouble figuring out exactly where I stand on these two subjects.

Anger:
I know it's OK for me to be angry.  It's normal, it's legitimate, it's justified.  But I'm truly not angry at Caleb.  I never have been.  I understand that may change and I am willing to manage that when it comes.  But for now, I'm not.  I am angry at the disruption to Nathan's life.  I'm angry that he is now apathetic, feels defeated at life, is having a hard time just functioning in life.  I'm angry that Samantha is now struggling with anger, that her dream got derailed, that she feels abandoned by her friends because death is too much for them to confront.  I'm angry that this has confirmed Josh's opinion that God doesn't care about him.  I get angry at my inability to be fully functioning at times, at my lack of focus, at my unending exhaustion,  But that's not directed at Caleb.  Or even God.  It's like being angry at cancer or disease or a typhoon or sin in the world.  It's not a directed anger, just a general anger.  And so far, it hasn't caused me to distrust God or others or see harm around every corner or give up on life.

Forgiveness:
Since I'm not angry at Caleb, I don't see a need to forgive him.  I guess I have but it wasn't hard.  And I don't need to do it regularly.  Also, since my anger isn't directed at anything in particular, I don't really know who or what to forgive.  Troy says he forgives Caleb weekly.  I think that is more for Troy than Caleb - to make sure he doesn't get overcome by bitterness.  I sometimes wish I could "forgive" Caleb to have armor against bitterness but right now, I don't seem to need it.  What I do need, is forgiveness for myself.  I ask for forgiveness for myself regularly for any part I played in hurting him so badly.  Forgiving him has been much easier than forgiving myself.  Hence, guilt is another story.

Guilt/Grace:
I was talking with a mom who was asking how to not be crushed by the guilt she feels over her son's suicide.  Guilt over what she did to contribute to his decision and guilt over what she didn't do to stop it.  Guilt I deal with daily.  Some days, I am afraid I will be crushed by it.  I am convinced that the practice of acknowledging God's Grace in smaller things has allowed me to acknowledge His Grace in this monumental thing.  I am more than thankful for God's consistency and generosity in giving Grace.

I would love to feel forgiven and free of guilt.  Most days, I simply have to believe the truth I know - that God is and was Sovereign and had Caleb's life in His hands - that any and all mistakes I made were reclaimable by God's healing and not the cause of Caleb's death - that any part I did play is forgivable and forgiven already - that this hurt to my other children is able to be healed as well.  I repeat it over and over and fall at the feet of my Savior begging for His Mercy again.  Fortunately for me, He consistently puts friends in my path who gently remind me it was Caleb's decision and not my responsibility.  I know that if my friend was in my position, I would be saying those same things to her and believing them.  For myself, I am still having trouble accepting them but I chose to believe - at least for that one moment - which gets me to the next moment without being crushed.

What a gift Grace is!  I have always known Grace is a gift beyond our understanding.  With this huge weight of guilt I feel, I have an better understanding of it's gift.  It's one of those dichotomies in life - to better appreciate the value of grace we have to mess up even bigger.  I once prayed for a better understanding of Grace and at the time thought "Wait a minute!  That means I will have to mess up more.  I'm not sure I'm going to like this process."  And, I don't.  But the gift and the Giver are so much larger than my guilt.  How undeserving I am to receive this gift.  And how grateful I am.

Birthday Time

Yesterday we celebrated Caleb's 20th birthday.  Tomorrow we celebrate Samantha's 23rd birthday.  Their birthdays have been close for 20 years (duh!).  I have worked hard over the years to make sure each child had a special day of their own without being absorbed or overshadowed by the other.  What an insurmountable task that is now.

Sam is such a wonder!  We talked about how I want to truly celebrate her.  She understands but it's hard to figure out how to do that in the aftermath of remembering Caleb.  But she tries.  And I try.  And we all give it our best effort.  And hopefully she feels as honored and treasured as she truly is.  So tomorrow has the bright packages and streamers all set out and the grandparents coming and her food of choice all ready to go!

Yesterday was a disaster.  The good part was having Caleb's friends come over to eat lunch with us. It always warms my heart when they are here because it makes Caleb seem close.  I love their energy, their stories, their life!  What I had hoped was that they would tell stories of Caleb while they were here.  I haven't heard any since he died.  I guess I was hoping he would come alive for an hour or two, on this one day of the year, through their and our stories but now the opportunity has passed with no stories told.  I'm usually pretty careful about setting expectations and usually more aware of possible pitfalls than I was yesterday.  When the stories didn't come (probably because I didn't start them), I was absolutely crushed.  I have not fallen that hard in a long time.

Reality is I may not have the chance to hear stories again for awhile.  Almost 2 years later the pain of remembering is too strong for most of my family and probably his friends.  And the reality is that I need to begin remembering my own stories and that will be painful.  But also so very sweet.  I really want to taste just a piece of Caleb for just a moment.

Tomorrow, though, is another special day.  And this one I can enjoy with no reservations.  I get to honor the "best daughter in the world".  She truly is an amazing person I look up to and admire.  She is kind, compassionate, successful, creative, beautiful, caring, hard working, honest, and best of all, she likes me!

God, I thank You for all four of my children.  They are each such beautiful gifts from You.  Thank You for my 18 years with Caleb and for 23 years with Samantha.  And especially for the precious friendship she and I have.  As always, You are a Good and Gracious Sovereign God.

Beyond a Year and a Half

It's been so hard to write lately.  I can only write when I have the space to process my emotions and I have been so filled with fear, it has taken up all the space (which wasn't much to begin with).

Let me start with God is GOOD!  I have not forgotten that, nor is it hidden from me.  I see His Goodness daily.  But He is not easy.  He gives much but He also requires much.  He doesn't require more than He gives but it seems He requires more than I am capable of on my own.  Which I suppose is the point but so tiring and hard when daily I start and end on empty, wondering where I will get all I need for today.

Most days I have enough for the day.  Some days I have more than I could ever expect. And some days I don't have enough and something gets missed or I get snappy or I check out or I let down family and friends.  Those days are the hardest fights.  I not only have to fight harder because I have less to give but then I also get to fight myself and my guilt and recriminations AND I usually have to fix whatever I broke.

Everyday I fight with the unfairness of Nathan's new life or Sam's struggles or Josh's pain pitted against the absolute certainty I have in the Goodness and Sovereignty of God.  Everyday I feel absolutely alone and yet I know I have a large support system.  Everyday I get mad that no one is helping me and at the same time I have people asking me almost daily what they can do.  Everyday I see something that makes me want to cry and then I have to fight to not start because I am unsure if I will be able to stop.  Everyday I wake up with a list of things to do and if the list gets accomplished I still miss Caleb and if I give myself a break and don't get the list done, I still miss Caleb (only now feel guilty). Everyday I set out to spend time alone with God and everyday I find it too hard because my wall has to come down to be in His Presence and again, I'm not sure if I will be able to function.  Everyday I feel like I am an actor in some cruel play and I really want it to be over.  Everyday I fight with reality because I just want Caleb here and everyday I have to come to grips, again, with the fact that that's not going to happen.  Everyday I wonder if and when this will end and everyday I realize it never will.  It will change, I know, and not be quite so sharp of a pain, but this pain will never leave and everyday I wonder how I will manage the pain tomorrow.  Everyday I look at the truth of the future and am defeated by the pain ahead and at the same time encouraged knowing God will be there and time will pass and I will be there and functioning (hopefully well enough to be of service to others).  Everyday I am frustrated that this defines my life (who really wants to be defined by death - and especially suicide) and I try to be me in spite of that and yet everyday I can't get away from Caleb and don't really want to.

Troy made the comment the other day that he is trying to quit living as though he died too.  I totally get that. I guess I don't know how to do that yet.  I do just want to live again.  I want to be a whole family.  I want everyone healthy.  I want no more elephants in the room for EVERY conversation.  I want to be more than the death of my son.  And I want security again.  What I have is a God who is Secure, Sovereign, Good, Trustworthy, the ultimate Healer, absolute Life, and Eternal.  One day the knowledge that I will see Caleb again will bring joy.  Right now I simply cling to the God who offers that promise and trust all that I know of Him.

Thank you, Father, for being Faithful and holding me through this and continuing to draw me to Yourself.

Gratitude List

This post is primarily for me.  It is becoming easier, and happens more often, for me to be overwhelmed by the black cloud that is always near by.  I want to have a list, in black and white, to remind me of all that God did - during and since - Caleb's death.  He has been Good, Gracious, Generous, Constant, Kind, Gentle, Faithful, and Present.  I don't want to forget His Goodness.

• We had Caleb's Senior pictures taken - 2 weeks before he died - and Jessica caught Caleb's true smile and caught him laughing - I hadn't seen that smile in a while.  I had asked her to take the pictures in November and she scheduled it in October.  Truly, God's gift and protection for me.
• Troy's trip was cancelled and he was in town.
• The chaplain who was on call was so encouraging and helpful.
• God met me in a very real way that day.  I can't even explain it but He talked with me all day, as if He was right next to me.  Some things He told me are:
• yes, I am a true believer, not just a pew sitter
• the hard work I have put into my walk with God is showing in grace
• God is sovereign and in control and was not absent
• I am strong and it's good
• He will walk this with me
• I have wonderful friends because they are quality people
• also, because I have been a good friend
• God knew this was coming and orchestrated events to make it easier
• Caleb's day was decided before he was born   
• My friends continued to call on me weekly for months
• Caleb's friends continue to stay in contact and invited us to their graduation events
• TuHS treated Caleb with respect and remembered him well
• Abby put flowers on Caleb's chair at graduation so I would know where he was sitting
• Matt helped out Josh
• Patrick and Tyler both stepped in to help Nathan - plus his friends Josh and Brandon
• Craig went to fly with Samantha, her Ecuadorian teacher was fantastic, Kindy has stepped in since
• Dougy Center had an opening
• Nathan has enjoyed the Dougy Center
• Tiana turned to God through all this and has become a committed disciple and been baptized
• Troy has had more opportunity to share his testimony
• Jesse and Alex are truly gifts - to better deal with their own pain, they have taken over Caleb's role in Nathan's life and been wonderful big brothers/friends  

This is only a partial list.  I know there is much more I have pondered but I can't remember it right now so I reserve the right to edit this list as I remember more.  God has truly been Good.

Waves

Today I was able to spend some alone time at one of my favorite places on earth (so far) - our home at the beach.  I took my usual 4 mile walk but this time stopped for an hour or more and just sat and watched the waves.  My favorite waves to watch are in the Philippines but these come in a close second.

Waves are always a balm to my soul.  They are such a great representation of the absolute, unstoppable power of my Creator.  They are constant - never stopping movement.  They cannot be affected by humans in any way.  Yes, we can make moats around our sand castles and we can divert the flow for a little while but soon the waves will overpower any barrier we put up.  Yet, they are gentle and soothing.  They are fun and safe to play in and sometimes look more like a ripple than a force of power.  All this reminds me of the absolute sovereignty of God.  His power is incredible, usually hidden by His gentleness, but I never want to lose sight of the power behind that gentleness.

And, so today, I cried out to my gentle, powerful God - all the time knowing that He will not change my pain but that He is the ultimate power and strength to carry it and me.  I certainly need a power and strength beyond my own because I am feeling weak and faltering journeying through this pain.  I also know that He is, and will continue to be, gentle with me.  He is not setting a timeline for improvement, He continues to provide friends to encourage me, He continues to assure me that this pain will not consume me or my family, and He continues to meet me each day and remind me that He is present.

What a gift it is to be able to see the ocean in motion - to be able to see God's creation at work!  I know it is a gift to see God at work around me as well.  Father, help me never to be so consumed by this journey that I miss You around me.  Thank you for not forsaking me.  (and for the song "Yellow" coming on just now - oh, what a God of details You are.)

Graduation

I think graduation - especially from High School - is my 3rd favorite time of year - after Christmas and Easter.  I LOVE the energy, the expectation of something big on the horizon, the hope, and anticipation of a new journey, and the right leaving of the old to embrace the new.  I have always loved this time of year - even before kids of my own graduated - but especially since I have had graduates.  I simply adore teens and this time of year is SO very big in their lives.

I felt the same this year.  Caleb would have graduated this year so I have been looking forward to this month for a full year.  I love having a graduate - not only for their own reason - but because it means I get to be involved with lots of graduates.  So I had planned Caleb's party, gifts for his friends, and began anticipating the excitement of this month last September.

And I DID love it.  I loved being invited to 10 celebrations, making 10 blankets, writing 10 cards, watching 3 ceremonies, being involved in the excitement and passage to adulthood for 10 wonderful kids and several hundred additional kids peripherally.  It was nice to engage in others' joy and excitement.  And it felt comforting to be able to participate in others' celebrations even though I couldn't participate in my own.

But it was also the hardest month so far in this process.  The extreme difference of emotion was beyond exhausting.  And unbelievably lonely.  I really wanted to engage in others' joy, not bring attention to my own sorrow (and hopefully I was able to accomplish that).  But there is nothing like sitting in a stadium of 3000 people - all there to cheer on a graduate - only to hear your own child's name and have no cheers to offer but only tears.

I know God was sitting there with me (as well as Troy and Samantha) holding my hand and walking me through the pain.  And I know there were many people praying for us and especially for me.  I know I genuinely felt joy for the graduates I celebrated with and that was only by the power of God's grace.    It is amazing to me that I could feel such contrasting emotions in the same instant.  They didn't cancel each other out and they didn't fight with each other - they simply existed in the same space - where one would take priority for awhile and then the other.  I regularly stood in amazement at my ability to walk during those 2 weeks and I know it was God's power in me.  And I am still in awe that He would choose to be my help.

Thank you - those who faithfully prayed for me/us and still do.  I/we value your prayers, feel them, need them, cherish them.

Time

Time is such a fascinating thing.  2 Peter 3:8 says, "a day is like a thousand years and a thousand years are like a day".  Scripture also says that God is at the beginning of time and at the end of time and present now all at the same moment.  How does all that work?  Scientists have tried to understand the fundamentals of time and still don't get it all.  Many people have tried to stop time and no one can.  And others have tried to travel through time or change time - never going to happen.

And yet, we live in time.  Sometimes we try to "capture" time in our memories, sometimes we go on with a day and pay no attention to time.  I know for me, this last six months, time has looked different.  Time seems so much more important.  On the one hand, I want it to stop because I don't want one more day to go by with Caleb gone.  On the other hand, I want each day to end quickly because then, at least this day will be done.  Time has never passed so slowly or so quickly all at the same time.  And it's been a long while since I have paid so much attention to it's passing.

I remember as a young child, feeling each year was so long and so cool.  And as I got into my teens, it seemed the years went by much quicker.  Then as a mom of young kids, the days were all long but the years were going by way too fast.  I know in the last few years I mark the big things of each year but get to the end of the year and think about how little I did or accomplished.  This last six months, I have really noticed all the times that Caleb was not there and it seems that we do so much more every day than I noticed.

The truth is, at the end of time, in eternity, when time no longer exists, this will all seem so trivial and small.  The amazing thing about time is how constant and unchanging it is for now and yet how our perspective is so very fluid.  The reality is, though, that time is not constant, it is fluid, we just can't live there yet.  There are times I wish I could have the perspective of eternity but I can't seem to wrap my brain - and certainly not my emotions - around the concept and reality of eternity.

For now, I know "time is in His hands" and "He is my strength every morning".  Ours is certainly not the first journey into a new view of time and ours will not be the last.  Death truly changes our perspective of many things, time being one.  I am grateful such an important and vital part of our world is in much more capable hands than mine.  And that He chooses to walk through time, in my present, with me.  And that, one day, time will have no hold or memory.

God's Mercy

I have been sitting in my kitchen today doing various mundane tasks listening to my Pandora station and getting lost in the quiet it is bringing to my soul.  Quiet is hard to find these days and rest has been elusive so today's quiet has been sought after and enjoyed.

Recently a "MercyMe" song came on - "God With Us".  There are many lines in there about being released from our chains.  Any time a song comes my way - either through worship time in church or via radio/ipod/pandora - that talks about how God is our deliverer in our dark times I hurt deeply.  I can only picture my sweet Caleb, hurting so badly he could find no other answer to his pain than death, and cry through the whole song just wishing with all my heart that he could have seen what his God truly had to offer and that his God IS the God who was there waiting to offer release and healing from that pain.  And I thank God that He has released Caleb from that pain by taking him home but wish Caleb could have found it here so I could still have him with me.

Today, I heard that song, and for the first time in my life stood with my hands as high as I could get them and said "thank you" to my gracious God for offering that to me.  I can have that now.  I have been seeking this release for many years and think I am starting to understand that it truly is available now, to me, not just others.  I don't need to wait for some event (although I probably did, now I think about it) where God miraculously heals my hurt in one fell swoop but I can have release from those chains by choosing to trust the truth of His power.  If God offered that to Caleb and it could've changed his decision then God is offering it to me and it can change my today.  I truly don't know what has stopped me before.

Thank you, my God, for being so patient with me, but more so, for being the Great Healer, for having the power and desire to break any and all chains, and for being able to carry the weight of my pain, especially when I am too weary to do so.

Bittersweet Day

Today is February 6, 2013 - a bittersweet day in my life for many reasons.  The first of which is it's my 50th birthday.  Turning 50 is bitter primarily because I remember in college thinking about turning 50 and predicting that I would be too old at that point to have influence on my world.  And also bitter because Troy has been teasing me incessantly about joining AARP for 12 months (although he turned 50 first - go figure).

But turning 50 is actually more sweet than bitter.  In the last 10 years as I have watched friends turn 50, I discovered (much to my college ego's surprise) that influence increases at 50, not decreases.  I have watched them sweeten with age, as have I.  The experience of 50 years brings wisdom, understanding, a longer, deeper walk with God and a sweetness in friendships I didn't have at 22.  I am glad I am 50.  I have SO much more character development to do but the work done so far has been worth the time and is sweet.

But today is bittersweet for another reason.  Today is also the 3 month mark of Caleb's death.  That seems to hold lots of bitter taste.  I had NO idea 3 months ago that a single person could leave such a hole in my life.  Had I known how truly large the hole would be, I would not have believed that I could live with that hole with any amount of productivity.  This hole definitely is large enough to swallow me completely.  It sometimes seems bigger than I am and I sometimes wonder how I am not falling in - it should be inevitable.  This grief is all-consuming.  It is so very much more than I ever imagined I could feel.  Again, had I known how intense a grief could be, I would not have been able to imagine it not taking over completely.  And not just for me, but for so many people.  How did I miss this when other people around me suffered loss?

But the word bittersweet has the "sweet" side to it - not to be cast aside.  In living with this hole that seems larger than I am, I find I AM living.  I find that I am more compassionate to others (that character development thing).  I have found that God's grace is SOOOO much bigger than my hole and so much bigger than I ever imagined.  And His love for me, and for those around me grieving, is bigger and more all-consuming (if that is possible) than my grief.  It's almost like I have a rope tethered to my waist that cannot be cut and it doesn't matter how deep the hole is or how strong the pull, I cannot fall in.  I would never have imagined that I could be surrounded by His presence through people and in private like I am.  And I'm not doing anything to attain His presence - He is just here - faithful, offering grace, offering comfort, offering peace.

I REALLY miss Caleb.  I really don't want this journey.  I really don't want to watch, helpless, as those I love grieve.  I am so very sad as I watch the ripple effects.  I am so weary of the conversations in my head of all the things I could have done different.  I am tired of grieving and I'm just starting.  And it seems to be getting harder.  And I am so very, very tired of fighting to see the "sweet" and deny the guilt.  BUT God has clearly declared His intention to claim me as His child and envelope me in His Goodness and Righteousness.  He declares me guilty or not (not in this case) and He declares that He is with me and stronger than my grief.  It is worth the energy it takes to fight.  Besides, not fighting, but giving in, doesn't feel any better (it actually feels worse on many levels), it's just easier.  But not really, because fighting alongside God today gives me the energy to do it again tomorrow.

Thank You, God, for pursuing Your people, Your created works of art.

And thank you for Your gift of Caleb.  I love the part of You I saw through Your creation.

Grace

I was so encouraged today in church (Thank you, Pastor Bill).  He was speaking on the wedding feast in Matthew 22 and talked about our possible responses to the invitation God gives us to enter His kingdom and accept His Grace.

In Matthew, Jesus tells a parable about a king who planned a wedding feast for his son and invited all his friends.  On the day of the feast, the friends don't come so the king invites anyone and everyone from the streets.  Even of those, there is some who don't come dressed appropriately.  My summary of Pastor Bill's interpretation is that we have 3 possible responses to God's call.

1).  We can reject the invitation - either by indifference or hostility.  Indifference would include being too busy with our normal life or being distracted.  Hostility would be purposely, and maybe violently, rejecting the invitation.

2).  We can accept the invitation but do so on our terms, not on God's terms.  In the parable, a man came in the wrong clothing but the problem with that is that the king provided the proper clothes, at no cost to the man, and the man refused to wear them.  We can come to God but not really humble ourselves under His rule, or think that our own righteousness should be enough and not truly cloak ourselves with Christ's righteousness.

3).  We can accept the invitation and understand that even our righteousness is provided by our God and then stand astonished by His mercy and the gifts we get to receive just because we are sitting at the table.

I think I have sat most often in the 2nd set of people.  And I am noticing that my understanding of God's grace is changing, dramatically.  With Caleb's death, I think I have a better view of the truly temporal existence we have.  I have always known that life was short and ended but that for God's people life continued through eternity in God's presence, but I didn't truly know how to apply that to my daily thinking. I now have a very clear look at how life here ends.

In seeing that, I am seeing how truly inadequate my efforts are.  I cannot extend my life, I cannot gain heaven, I cannot change my position.  My time on earth is set, once I have accepted Christ I have gained heaven, and my position will always be that of an adopted, loved child.  Acknowledging the grace of God gives me the ability to ENJOY the feast - to sit at the table astonished at the food in front of me - to wear beautiful clothing (righteousness) I could never afford - to be at the table with some impressive people I might not otherwise get to meet.  God's grace is more than entrance to heaven, it is my supply for everyday.  It gives me the ability to rest in the midst of pain, it allows me to not wallow in guilt, it offers me ability to give myself a break everyday as I struggle with daily life, it has allowed me to show God's character when I don't feel adequate to do so.  In short, to truly understand how inadequate I am and how fully engaged God is in my life.

I have said to God before, "I want to KNOW Your grace, do what it takes to teach me".  I'm sure there have been and could be other opportunities to learn but I am grateful He is still gently teaching me and that I am willing to listen and learn and haven't closed my heart to His teaching.  Again, He has captured my heart and I want to stay captured.

A New Week

This week has been a new week.  It's the first week of "normality" since Caleb died.  The normalness isn't really normal but it isn't really different either.  The routine is the same and most of the time Caleb isn't at the front of the conversation or even thoughts.  But, then again, nothing is really the same.  It's still hard to stay focused and everything is harder and takes longer and seems heavier.  I never know if I'm supposed to be doing life as normal or if I'm supposed to be grieving (whatever that means).  I feel guilty whatever I do.  The hardest is watching the pain of those around me.  Especially my other 3 children.  I am so very sorry for their pain and have no way to help reduce it.

It happens, I have been looking at God and pain and the role pain plays in our relationship with our Creator. I had started to see that pain is part of the process of knowing God before Caleb died.  Not only is pain unavoidable, it truly is part of the joy of knowing God.  I think on some level, God purposes pain.  I don't believe all pain is from God, although he allows it, but I do think some comes from His hand.  And either way, it is a necessary part of intimacy.

This has been a huge perspective change for me.  Pain is not only unavoidable, it is something not to avoid.  I don't know that I'm ready to embrace it but I do need to not run from it.  I need to stay in the middle of it, engage with it, and watch God work through it.  In pain is where it is easiest for me to see God's strength in my weakness.  The humility I am beginning to develop as I simply sit with pain is surprising.  I think what surprises me the most is that in this pain I am not heading to depression or getting antsy or angry.  Don't get me wrong, I am NOT enjoying this.  Pain is hurtful and hard but allowing it to be a part of my journey, and not fighting it is showing me how to truly rest in God's peace.  I AM enjoying this peace and the beginning of truly embracing God's grace.

I sometimes feel this will be wasted, that once I am back to "normal", I will forget these lessons and go back to my old ways of thinking.  I am part of a group of people, several of whom have had indescribable times of pain and they have begun the process of seeing pain as a blessing.  And they KNOW the grace of God well.  I want to know the boundless grace of God.  I have received it as a gift, I count on it's rewards, but I don't really know it.  It's not my first thought when I consider God, it's not a high concern when I consider others, and I don't rely on it to come humbly, clean before my Holy Creator.

If pain is the vehicle to know God's grace and to come humbly before the throne of grace and quit using my goodness as my entrance card, then I am willing to stay here in the middle, at least for now.

Missing Caleb

In my last post, I didn't really introduce the reason for my blog.  I have used journalling for most of my adult life as a way to coral my emotions.  My journals have exclusively been written as prayers and I write most often when my emotions are too much for me to reason out so I write and pray and am able (usually) to stop the pity-party and at least consider God's perspective for a moment.  This is currently my journal.

Caleb died 2 months ago tomorrow.  There have been so many emotions in that time.  Many of them have been expected, some surprising, some conflicting and some simply more intense than I think I can handle.  I had no idea that a person could feel this intensely about anything.  My emotions have been so intense, I have been unable to write.  This week has been an especially hard week.  I have a tendency to have a delayed reaction to crisis anyway but this is a little more delayed than I thought it would be.

There is so much to grieve.  I simply miss Caleb.  So very, very much.  I miss his smile.  I miss him in the kitchen with me - especially over the holidays.  I miss his excitement.  But mostly, I am missing his presence. I think what I miss most is the opportunity to see restoration.  He had been so, so angry the last 2 years and he was returning to the person we knew so well.  I was so looking forward to our relationship being restored and made new and was excited about what it would look like with college and adult Caleb.

I have always viewed the kids as a product of their character and personality, not as a product of their behavior.  Their behavior needs to be addressed and praised or confronted but they are who they were created to be, not how they are acting.  Caleb has always had a generous heart.  He truly wanted others to be happy and would give what he could to help.  And he loved to laugh!  He wore his emotions on his sleeve but because he was sharing them with you not because he wanted attention.  I miss his heart.  I miss seeing his affect on God's kingdom.  I SOOO wanted to enjoy watching him be a parent and a force in his community.  I miss his future.  I do truly believe God chose the timing and I do trust His sovereignty but I still miss that journey.

In the grief I have been feeling, one thought keeps coming to mind.  As I heard about the positive affects of Caleb's memorial service and how God has and is working because of things that were said or who Caleb was I am blessed.  But I am also angry.  At one point, I commented to Troy that although I am glad that person is knowing God now, I am not ready to trade my son for their salvation (not that that is really up to me anyway).  And then I thought about my God.  He gave up His son by choice, knowing the pain it would cause Himself and Jesus, solely for our salvation.  Our relationship with Him is so important to Him, He considered this pain a worthwhile consequence for the joy of us.

Having felt this pain, I have a new appreciation for the sacrifice.  This pain is magnitudes more than I thought possible.  I had NO idea.  It has physical effects - causes me to be unfocused (and I am used to being very focused), causes loss of appetite, weariness with everyday activity, exhaustion, sleeplessness, guilt, more guilt, uncertainty, loss of joy even during times of laughter, tears at any time.  It also has increased my compassion by magnitudes, allows me to love more freely, causes an infusion of peace, a willingness to be weak and then the opportunity to watch God work, blessings innumerable through the hands of friends, a connection with others who have also experienced loss, a dependence on God I thought I had but obviously didn't.

God willingly felt this pain.  God chose to give up His Son.  God is good.  He is in this pain.  He is on the other side of this pain.  He knows this pain and is kind to me.  I only hope I am faithful and continue to remember all this (part of the reason for writing it down).  And I hope I can view the value of eternity differently.

A New Year Starts

As 2013 starts, I have seriously mixed feelings.  A part of me wants to go back 2 months and never move forward.  Another part wants to move on and put 2012 (actually 2010-2012) behind me hoping the new year will be different.  But most of me understands that even though the calendar year has changed, my journey has not.  Today is just another day of almost 50 years of days.

2012 holds my deepest hurt to date.  But it also holds unexpected beauty.  And some unknown strength - although I can't take credit for the strength since I attribute that to a gracious God who has infused His strength and character in me undeservedly.

If you are new to my life, my 3rd child, 2nd son, committed suicide at age 18 in Nov 2012.

Never having had such a crisis in my life, I have never before had the opportunity to truly watch the Hands of God envelope a person or family as they did us.  God's presence did not take away the pain.  It did not lessen the pain.  But it did reveal the character of God - His Peace, His Compassion, His Unconditional Love, His Strength, His Comfort, and His Power over despair.

But then again, this is the God I know.  This is the God that promises He is always present with His children. This is the God that calls us (His church and people) to unity so He can be so obviously displayed.  This is the God that promises He is for our good - it is His priority.  This is the God that rewards obedience.  This is the same Jesus who was always gentle with the hurting, never asking anything of them but faith.

God was showing me - months before Caleb's death - that pain is not the enemy.  It is not a symbol of failure.  The system doesn't work in such a way that if I do, say, be right things then life will be easier and if I sin or fail then I will have more pain.  That's not the system Jesus lived in and what would make me think that I would live in a better system than He?  Now I see that pain comes.  It comes in larger doses to some and smaller doses to others, but it comes.  And I can choose to see God's presence and provision in the pain or not but that does not change God's presence and provision being there.

I am grateful, beyond words, that God has chosen to capture my heart.  And I am so very glad I have chosen to stay captured.  I tried to run once - and didn't make it very far.  God has shown His Goodness and gentle compassion in abundance over the last 2 months and I am grateful to be the recipient.  And am thankful, beyond words, for the many people around us who have been unending displays of God's character.