4 years

It's been 4 years.  I can't believe it has been so long.  And yet, it will always be so close.  This year it seems like a wicked, cruel joke.  It's far enough away it doesn't seem real and yet close enough I can feel the pain sharply.

I hate that it's starting to feel normal.  I hate that I was hoping it wouldn't hurt so much this year.  I hate how angry I am this time.  I hate most how much it hurts my other kids so much and that I can do nothing about it.

I felt a spark of life this Fall and to now come back down to my reality feels like a long drop.  It seems more intense but since it came later than usual I guess it just came harder.  I miss Caleb more this year than ever.  I just miss him.  So much.

I know the right thing to say is to proclaim the Goodness of God.  God has been good.  And I acknowledge that daily.  And I am willing to submit to the Sovereign decisions of the Creator.  And I truly believe that pain is not bad but often is a path to intimacy with God.  And I believe intimacy with God is of more value than anything else in life.  But I am hating the pain right now.  It hurts.  It hurts deeply.  And there's no way to stop it.