As I look back at 2016, I see a long year with lots of hope. I am beginning to understand (again - like for the 5th or 6th time) that a good year does not equate with a year without pain. I keep hoping for a "better" year - meaning a year with less pain - but that is not likely from here on out.
I think I will likely live the rest of life in "paradox", meaning "both/and" instead of "either/or". Both grief and joy instead of either grief or joy. Both hope and disappointment. Both fun and sadness. Both better and worse. Both loss and gain. Often at the same time.
An example of this was my mom's death in August 2016. I had the privilege of ushering her into heaven and had a glimpse of heaven in the process. Such sadness at the loss of her presence and such hope at the experience of the presence of God. Another example was Nathan's graduation from High School in March 2016. Such relief at his making it through, fear of the unknown future, such joy at being able to celebrate him, sense of loss for his HS experience, sadness because of a chapter ending (he's my youngest), and hope because of the start of a new chapter. And still another example occurred in June 2016. I can't relate the details but there was a deep loss and grief and included was the privilege of walking life with another and the knowledge that I was a vehicle of God's acceptance and love and therefore the privilege and certainty of knowing I was His hands and feet that day.
Included with the many places of loss in my world was the beginning of a new adventure - I started Seminary in September 2016 - at age 53! Who knows what I will do with this new degree but I am enjoying the journey. For the first time in 6 years, I feel a spark of life. It was so unexpected and unfamiliar, it took me by surprise.
And my Caleb grief was very different this year. At times more intense and overwhelming yet at the same time more short-lived. I expected Nathan's graduation to be hard but I was able to just focus on Nathan and not mourn Caleb's graduation. We were able to change the picture of his birthday this year and give Sam back her birthday day (their birthdays are 2 days apart). I was able to say the words "Merry Christmas" this year without wanting to vomit. I was able to open presents without holding back tears the whole time. I was able to enjoy a game night on New Year's Eve without hating every minute. Yet, I was very angry on his deathday. And I miss him so much more and so much harder.
I have no idea what better looks like anymore. I have no idea how to describe better or what to look for or expect. What I do know is that living with both/and makes sense and to enjoy the positive that comes with "and" means pain will be included. I am willing to endure the pain to get to the really beautiful joy and good. Even if that does look different that it used to. This good has more power behind it and lasts longer.
