I have been thinking about this post for several months. If you know me at all, you know I tend to focus on my failures and discount my successes. I call it humility and Troy calls it low self esteem. He is probably closer to right than I am. But if I step back and take an objective look at my parenting results I have to honestly admit that I have been successful.
If you look at my world from my eyes, I see failure everywhere. Two of the boys walked away from their faith in High School. They made it very clear they didn't want to believe in God or have anything to do with the church.
Some were pretty angry and harsh with their words - at least in our house - when they were teens. They made it clear I had not been what they needed in a parent.
3 of the 4 refused to put out any effort in school. Although all 4 are brilliant and could get easy A's on all the tests without needing to study, they refused to do the work required to do much more than barely pass a class.
The boys couldn't be coerced or rewarded or punished enough to keep their rooms cleans or do any chores. I gave up quickly (failure) since I couldn't face the fight it required.
One is a smoker. Two drank alcohol early and got drunk (we don't keep alcohol in the house). Two got involved with marijuana (and more). And both did it in the house even though I regularly threw fits about it.
One has chosen to follow a different lifestyle regarding their sexuality.
And the ultimate failure. I was not enough to help Caleb find his value in life and so he choose to end his life and stated my inadequacy as he did so.
But there is more to the story. All 4 of my children are kind and thoughtful to others. Each does it differently than the others and some do it easier with people outside the family but all 4 are truly kind.
All 4 of my children are generous. Some with their talents, some with their time, some with their resources, some with their emotions but all 4 look for ways to improve the world around them by giving something of themselves.
All 4 of my children are independent thinkers. As that was a goal of my parenting, I consider it a success. Some fight harder then the others to prove their independent thinking but all are willing to consider a subject and make up their own opinion of it without necessarily following the crowd. This meant watching some of them walk away from and even despise some of the values that I worked so hard to instill in them but I am proud that they are thinkers - even if it doesn't match my thinking.
All 4 of my children are respectful - specifically to adults when they were younger - but now that they are all adults, that includes all people. They are able to hold conversations with people they don't know or don't like. They can interact with young kids and stay engaged with them. They can respectfully disagree and are willing to let others have a different opinion.
All 4 of my children are good at being friends. They know how to consider the other person. They know how to give. And they know how to take when they need to.
All 4 of my children have a good work ethic. They are willing to work for what they want and need and they know how to work hard even when doing tasks they don't like.
All 4 of my children appreciate Troy and me and enjoy our company - even though they don't agree with or hold to our value and belief systems. It is always such a joy to be enjoyed by them.
And all 4 of my children acknowledge that God exists, that He is God, that He is Good and that He is for them. One still doesn't want to acknowledge God as Lord but he knows who God is.
So when I look at these lists, I notice that the list of failures was focused primarily on behavior while the list of successes is primarily character traits. I parented for character. I told the kids that over and over - I cared about their behavior but I cared more about their character. They could behave whatever way they were choosing as long as they were giving it their best effort and were being kind and respectful (although some behaviors brought harsher consequences than others). Caleb tested this concept best when he would come home with an "F" in a class with a comment next to it saying "pleasure to have in class". I am truly proud of all 4 of my children.
And, yes, I am well aware of the fact that I no longer have 4 children but Caleb was all those things before he died. And I was proud of him.
And I am trying to redefine success. Caleb's choice to take his own life often clouds my judgement on this, but my head tells me - I was a good parent. And I am lucky to have 3 good kids that call me mom.
