I think graduation - especially from High School - is my 3rd favorite time of year - after Christmas and Easter. I LOVE the energy, the expectation of something big on the horizon, the hope, and anticipation of a new journey, and the right leaving of the old to embrace the new. I have always loved this time of year - even before kids of my own graduated - but especially since I have had graduates. I simply adore teens and this time of year is SO very big in their lives.
I felt the same this year. Caleb would have graduated this year so I have been looking forward to this month for a full year. I love having a graduate - not only for their own reason - but because it means I get to be involved with lots of graduates. So I had planned Caleb's party, gifts for his friends, and began anticipating the excitement of this month last September.
And I DID love it. I loved being invited to 10 celebrations, making 10 blankets, writing 10 cards, watching 3 ceremonies, being involved in the excitement and passage to adulthood for 10 wonderful kids and several hundred additional kids peripherally. It was nice to engage in others' joy and excitement. And it felt comforting to be able to participate in others' celebrations even though I couldn't participate in my own.
But it was also the hardest month so far in this process. The extreme difference of emotion was beyond exhausting. And unbelievably lonely. I really wanted to engage in others' joy, not bring attention to my own sorrow (and hopefully I was able to accomplish that). But there is nothing like sitting in a stadium of 3000 people - all there to cheer on a graduate - only to hear your own child's name and have no cheers to offer but only tears.
I know God was sitting there with me (as well as Troy and Samantha) holding my hand and walking me through the pain. And I know there were many people praying for us and especially for me. I know I genuinely felt joy for the graduates I celebrated with and that was only by the power of God's grace. It is amazing to me that I could feel such contrasting emotions in the same instant. They didn't cancel each other out and they didn't fight with each other - they simply existed in the same space - where one would take priority for awhile and then the other. I regularly stood in amazement at my ability to walk during those 2 weeks and I know it was God's power in me. And I am still in awe that He would choose to be my help.
Thank you - those who faithfully prayed for me/us and still do. I/we value your prayers, feel them, need them, cherish them.
