"If you had one wish, what would it be?"
I actually get asked that question surprisingly often. In my circles of death, the answer is usually "one more day with ..."
Probably surprisingly, that is not my answer. It never has been. I know that one more day would never be enough. I know that the pain of saying good-bye again might be too much. I know that after that "one more day" I would only want more and so what I really want is a lifetime, not a day.
So what would my wish be?
I have been thinking a lot about that lately. My response has been:
"To know for sure that Caleb was convinced of how much I valued him, how much I loved him, how much I liked him, how proud I was of him, how much hope I had for his future."
The truth is, my wish has come true. Caleb now knows his true value. He has heard it - in person - from the only One who has the ability to give value. The value God can give Caleb is so much greater than any value I can give Caleb. And he is now fully convinced of his immeasurable value to his Creator, the Sovereign Ruler of the world, his Savior. What more could I possibly want for Caleb?
The reality is, truth has not yet given my heart the rest and comfort it so desperately desires. I know for sure that Caleb is convinced of his value. But, obviously, my wish coming true isn't that helpful so maybe it is not truly what my "one wish" would be.
Troy talks to God about Caleb and asks God to communicate things to him. I'm not sure what I think of that but since I am not convinced that's how the system works, it would give me no peace or comfort to talk to Caleb through God so I don't. At the moment, I don't believe the dead hear us - why would they listen when they have angels and God Himself to listen to? Isn't that why we long for heaven so much - to be rid of all this earth has to offer? But that leaves me with no options for communicating this "one wish" to Caleb.
So, now, I guess I need to begin the process of gaining comfort from the truth. My "one wish" has come true. Caleb may not have known those things on earth but he does now. I guess my one wish is not that he knows those now but actually that he knew those - somewhere in his heart - before he died. That I will never know.
Either way, he does know that now. Of that I am convinced.
And one day, truth will win over wishes in my heart.
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Anger / Forgiveness / Guilt / Grace
I so very much appreciate my husband. I am a true introvert. I don't process well with people around, even family. I need time alone to truly process important things. So, this weekend, he allowed me time alone at the beach without making me feel guilty and without being offended. What a gift he gives me!
My processing this weekend had taken me a couple different directions. In circles of grief, we often talk about anger and forgiveness. I have had trouble figuring out exactly where I stand on these two subjects.
Anger:
I know it's OK for me to be angry. It's normal, it's legitimate, it's justified. But I'm truly not angry at Caleb. I never have been. I understand that may change and I am willing to manage that when it comes. But for now, I'm not. I am angry at the disruption to Nathan's life. I'm angry that he is now apathetic, feels defeated at life, is having a hard time just functioning in life. I'm angry that Samantha is now struggling with anger, that her dream got derailed, that she feels abandoned by her friends because death is too much for them to confront. I'm angry that this has confirmed Josh's opinion that God doesn't care about him. I get angry at my inability to be fully functioning at times, at my lack of focus, at my unending exhaustion, But that's not directed at Caleb. Or even God. It's like being angry at cancer or disease or a typhoon or sin in the world. It's not a directed anger, just a general anger. And so far, it hasn't caused me to distrust God or others or see harm around every corner or give up on life.
Forgiveness:
Since I'm not angry at Caleb, I don't see a need to forgive him. I guess I have but it wasn't hard. And I don't need to do it regularly. Also, since my anger isn't directed at anything in particular, I don't really know who or what to forgive. Troy says he forgives Caleb weekly. I think that is more for Troy than Caleb - to make sure he doesn't get overcome by bitterness. I sometimes wish I could "forgive" Caleb to have armor against bitterness but right now, I don't seem to need it. What I do need, is forgiveness for myself. I ask for forgiveness for myself regularly for any part I played in hurting him so badly. Forgiving him has been much easier than forgiving myself. Hence, guilt is another story.
Guilt/Grace:
I was talking with a mom who was asking how to not be crushed by the guilt she feels over her son's suicide. Guilt over what she did to contribute to his decision and guilt over what she didn't do to stop it. Guilt I deal with daily. Some days, I am afraid I will be crushed by it. I am convinced that the practice of acknowledging God's Grace in smaller things has allowed me to acknowledge His Grace in this monumental thing. I am more than thankful for God's consistency and generosity in giving Grace.
I would love to feel forgiven and free of guilt. Most days, I simply have to believe the truth I know - that God is and was Sovereign and had Caleb's life in His hands - that any and all mistakes I made were reclaimable by God's healing and not the cause of Caleb's death - that any part I did play is forgivable and forgiven already - that this hurt to my other children is able to be healed as well. I repeat it over and over and fall at the feet of my Savior begging for His Mercy again. Fortunately for me, He consistently puts friends in my path who gently remind me it was Caleb's decision and not my responsibility. I know that if my friend was in my position, I would be saying those same things to her and believing them. For myself, I am still having trouble accepting them but I chose to believe - at least for that one moment - which gets me to the next moment without being crushed.
What a gift Grace is! I have always known Grace is a gift beyond our understanding. With this huge weight of guilt I feel, I have an better understanding of it's gift. It's one of those dichotomies in life - to better appreciate the value of grace we have to mess up even bigger. I once prayed for a better understanding of Grace and at the time thought "Wait a minute! That means I will have to mess up more. I'm not sure I'm going to like this process." And, I don't. But the gift and the Giver are so much larger than my guilt. How undeserving I am to receive this gift. And how grateful I am.
My processing this weekend had taken me a couple different directions. In circles of grief, we often talk about anger and forgiveness. I have had trouble figuring out exactly where I stand on these two subjects.
Anger:
I know it's OK for me to be angry. It's normal, it's legitimate, it's justified. But I'm truly not angry at Caleb. I never have been. I understand that may change and I am willing to manage that when it comes. But for now, I'm not. I am angry at the disruption to Nathan's life. I'm angry that he is now apathetic, feels defeated at life, is having a hard time just functioning in life. I'm angry that Samantha is now struggling with anger, that her dream got derailed, that she feels abandoned by her friends because death is too much for them to confront. I'm angry that this has confirmed Josh's opinion that God doesn't care about him. I get angry at my inability to be fully functioning at times, at my lack of focus, at my unending exhaustion, But that's not directed at Caleb. Or even God. It's like being angry at cancer or disease or a typhoon or sin in the world. It's not a directed anger, just a general anger. And so far, it hasn't caused me to distrust God or others or see harm around every corner or give up on life.
Forgiveness:
Since I'm not angry at Caleb, I don't see a need to forgive him. I guess I have but it wasn't hard. And I don't need to do it regularly. Also, since my anger isn't directed at anything in particular, I don't really know who or what to forgive. Troy says he forgives Caleb weekly. I think that is more for Troy than Caleb - to make sure he doesn't get overcome by bitterness. I sometimes wish I could "forgive" Caleb to have armor against bitterness but right now, I don't seem to need it. What I do need, is forgiveness for myself. I ask for forgiveness for myself regularly for any part I played in hurting him so badly. Forgiving him has been much easier than forgiving myself. Hence, guilt is another story.
Guilt/Grace:
I was talking with a mom who was asking how to not be crushed by the guilt she feels over her son's suicide. Guilt over what she did to contribute to his decision and guilt over what she didn't do to stop it. Guilt I deal with daily. Some days, I am afraid I will be crushed by it. I am convinced that the practice of acknowledging God's Grace in smaller things has allowed me to acknowledge His Grace in this monumental thing. I am more than thankful for God's consistency and generosity in giving Grace.
I would love to feel forgiven and free of guilt. Most days, I simply have to believe the truth I know - that God is and was Sovereign and had Caleb's life in His hands - that any and all mistakes I made were reclaimable by God's healing and not the cause of Caleb's death - that any part I did play is forgivable and forgiven already - that this hurt to my other children is able to be healed as well. I repeat it over and over and fall at the feet of my Savior begging for His Mercy again. Fortunately for me, He consistently puts friends in my path who gently remind me it was Caleb's decision and not my responsibility. I know that if my friend was in my position, I would be saying those same things to her and believing them. For myself, I am still having trouble accepting them but I chose to believe - at least for that one moment - which gets me to the next moment without being crushed.
What a gift Grace is! I have always known Grace is a gift beyond our understanding. With this huge weight of guilt I feel, I have an better understanding of it's gift. It's one of those dichotomies in life - to better appreciate the value of grace we have to mess up even bigger. I once prayed for a better understanding of Grace and at the time thought "Wait a minute! That means I will have to mess up more. I'm not sure I'm going to like this process." And, I don't. But the gift and the Giver are so much larger than my guilt. How undeserving I am to receive this gift. And how grateful I am.
Tuesday, September 2, 2014
Birthday Time
Yesterday we celebrated Caleb's 20th birthday. Tomorrow we celebrate Samantha's 23rd birthday. Their birthdays have been close for 20 years (duh!). I have worked hard over the years to make sure each child had a special day of their own without being absorbed or overshadowed by the other. What an insurmountable task that is now.
Sam is such a wonder! We talked about how I want to truly celebrate her. She understands but it's hard to figure out how to do that in the aftermath of remembering Caleb. But she tries. And I try. And we all give it our best effort. And hopefully she feels as honored and treasured as she truly is. So tomorrow has the bright packages and streamers all set out and the grandparents coming and her food of choice all ready to go!
Yesterday was a disaster. The good part was having Caleb's friends come over to eat lunch with us. It always warms my heart when they are here because it makes Caleb seem close. I love their energy, their stories, their life! What I had hoped was that they would tell stories of Caleb while they were here. I haven't heard any since he died. I guess I was hoping he would come alive for an hour or two, on this one day of the year, through their and our stories but now the opportunity has passed with no stories told. I'm usually pretty careful about setting expectations and usually more aware of possible pitfalls than I was yesterday. When the stories didn't come (probably because I didn't start them), I was absolutely crushed. I have not fallen that hard in a long time.
Reality is I may not have the chance to hear stories again for awhile. Almost 2 years later the pain of remembering is too strong for most of my family and probably his friends. And the reality is that I need to begin remembering my own stories and that will be painful. But also so very sweet. I really want to taste just a piece of Caleb for just a moment.
Tomorrow, though, is another special day. And this one I can enjoy with no reservations. I get to honor the "best daughter in the world". She truly is an amazing person I look up to and admire. She is kind, compassionate, successful, creative, beautiful, caring, hard working, honest, and best of all, she likes me!
God, I thank You for all four of my children. They are each such beautiful gifts from You. Thank You for my 18 years with Caleb and for 23 years with Samantha. And especially for the precious friendship she and I have. As always, You are a Good and Gracious Sovereign God.
Sam is such a wonder! We talked about how I want to truly celebrate her. She understands but it's hard to figure out how to do that in the aftermath of remembering Caleb. But she tries. And I try. And we all give it our best effort. And hopefully she feels as honored and treasured as she truly is. So tomorrow has the bright packages and streamers all set out and the grandparents coming and her food of choice all ready to go!
Yesterday was a disaster. The good part was having Caleb's friends come over to eat lunch with us. It always warms my heart when they are here because it makes Caleb seem close. I love their energy, their stories, their life! What I had hoped was that they would tell stories of Caleb while they were here. I haven't heard any since he died. I guess I was hoping he would come alive for an hour or two, on this one day of the year, through their and our stories but now the opportunity has passed with no stories told. I'm usually pretty careful about setting expectations and usually more aware of possible pitfalls than I was yesterday. When the stories didn't come (probably because I didn't start them), I was absolutely crushed. I have not fallen that hard in a long time.
Reality is I may not have the chance to hear stories again for awhile. Almost 2 years later the pain of remembering is too strong for most of my family and probably his friends. And the reality is that I need to begin remembering my own stories and that will be painful. But also so very sweet. I really want to taste just a piece of Caleb for just a moment.
Tomorrow, though, is another special day. And this one I can enjoy with no reservations. I get to honor the "best daughter in the world". She truly is an amazing person I look up to and admire. She is kind, compassionate, successful, creative, beautiful, caring, hard working, honest, and best of all, she likes me!
God, I thank You for all four of my children. They are each such beautiful gifts from You. Thank You for my 18 years with Caleb and for 23 years with Samantha. And especially for the precious friendship she and I have. As always, You are a Good and Gracious Sovereign God.
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