I was so encouraged today in church (Thank you, Pastor Bill). He was speaking on the wedding feast in Matthew 22 and talked about our possible responses to the invitation God gives us to enter His kingdom and accept His Grace.
In Matthew, Jesus tells a parable about a king who planned a wedding feast for his son and invited all his friends. On the day of the feast, the friends don't come so the king invites anyone and everyone from the streets. Even of those, there is some who don't come dressed appropriately. My summary of Pastor Bill's interpretation is that we have 3 possible responses to God's call.
1). We can reject the invitation - either by indifference or hostility. Indifference would include being too busy with our normal life or being distracted. Hostility would be purposely, and maybe violently, rejecting the invitation.
2). We can accept the invitation but do so on our terms, not on God's terms. In the parable, a man came in the wrong clothing but the problem with that is that the king provided the proper clothes, at no cost to the man, and the man refused to wear them. We can come to God but not really humble ourselves under His rule, or think that our own righteousness should be enough and not truly cloak ourselves with Christ's righteousness.
3). We can accept the invitation and understand that even our righteousness is provided by our God and then stand astonished by His mercy and the gifts we get to receive just because we are sitting at the table.
I think I have sat most often in the 2nd set of people. And I am noticing that my understanding of God's grace is changing, dramatically. With Caleb's death, I think I have a better view of the truly temporal existence we have. I have always known that life was short and ended but that for God's people life continued through eternity in God's presence, but I didn't truly know how to apply that to my daily thinking. I now have a very clear look at how life here ends.
In seeing that, I am seeing how truly inadequate my efforts are. I cannot extend my life, I cannot gain heaven, I cannot change my position. My time on earth is set, once I have accepted Christ I have gained heaven, and my position will always be that of an adopted, loved child. Acknowledging the grace of God gives me the ability to ENJOY the feast - to sit at the table astonished at the food in front of me - to wear beautiful clothing (righteousness) I could never afford - to be at the table with some impressive people I might not otherwise get to meet. God's grace is more than entrance to heaven, it is my supply for everyday. It gives me the ability to rest in the midst of pain, it allows me to not wallow in guilt, it offers me ability to give myself a break everyday as I struggle with daily life, it has allowed me to show God's character when I don't feel adequate to do so. In short, to truly understand how inadequate I am and how fully engaged God is in my life.
I have said to God before, "I want to KNOW Your grace, do what it takes to teach me". I'm sure there have been and could be other opportunities to learn but I am grateful He is still gently teaching me and that I am willing to listen and learn and haven't closed my heart to His teaching. Again, He has captured my heart and I want to stay captured.
Sunday, January 13, 2013
Friday, January 11, 2013
A New Week
This week has been a new week. It's the first week of "normality" since Caleb died. The normalness isn't really normal but it isn't really different either. The routine is the same and most of the time Caleb isn't at the front of the conversation or even thoughts. But, then again, nothing is really the same. It's still hard to stay focused and everything is harder and takes longer and seems heavier. I never know if I'm supposed to be doing life as normal or if I'm supposed to be grieving (whatever that means). I feel guilty whatever I do. The hardest is watching the pain of those around me. Especially my other 3 children. I am so very sorry for their pain and have no way to help reduce it.
It happens, I have been looking at God and pain and the role pain plays in our relationship with our Creator. I had started to see that pain is part of the process of knowing God before Caleb died. Not only is pain unavoidable, it truly is part of the joy of knowing God. I think on some level, God purposes pain. I don't believe all pain is from God, although he allows it, but I do think some comes from His hand. And either way, it is a necessary part of intimacy.
This has been a huge perspective change for me. Pain is not only unavoidable, it is something not to avoid. I don't know that I'm ready to embrace it but I do need to not run from it. I need to stay in the middle of it, engage with it, and watch God work through it. In pain is where it is easiest for me to see God's strength in my weakness. The humility I am beginning to develop as I simply sit with pain is surprising. I think what surprises me the most is that in this pain I am not heading to depression or getting antsy or angry. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT enjoying this. Pain is hurtful and hard but allowing it to be a part of my journey, and not fighting it is showing me how to truly rest in God's peace. I AM enjoying this peace and the beginning of truly embracing God's grace.
I sometimes feel this will be wasted, that once I am back to "normal", I will forget these lessons and go back to my old ways of thinking. I am part of a group of people, several of whom have had indescribable times of pain and they have begun the process of seeing pain as a blessing. And they KNOW the grace of God well. I want to know the boundless grace of God. I have received it as a gift, I count on it's rewards, but I don't really know it. It's not my first thought when I consider God, it's not a high concern when I consider others, and I don't rely on it to come humbly, clean before my Holy Creator.
If pain is the vehicle to know God's grace and to come humbly before the throne of grace and quit using my goodness as my entrance card, then I am willing to stay here in the middle, at least for now.
It happens, I have been looking at God and pain and the role pain plays in our relationship with our Creator. I had started to see that pain is part of the process of knowing God before Caleb died. Not only is pain unavoidable, it truly is part of the joy of knowing God. I think on some level, God purposes pain. I don't believe all pain is from God, although he allows it, but I do think some comes from His hand. And either way, it is a necessary part of intimacy.
This has been a huge perspective change for me. Pain is not only unavoidable, it is something not to avoid. I don't know that I'm ready to embrace it but I do need to not run from it. I need to stay in the middle of it, engage with it, and watch God work through it. In pain is where it is easiest for me to see God's strength in my weakness. The humility I am beginning to develop as I simply sit with pain is surprising. I think what surprises me the most is that in this pain I am not heading to depression or getting antsy or angry. Don't get me wrong, I am NOT enjoying this. Pain is hurtful and hard but allowing it to be a part of my journey, and not fighting it is showing me how to truly rest in God's peace. I AM enjoying this peace and the beginning of truly embracing God's grace.
I sometimes feel this will be wasted, that once I am back to "normal", I will forget these lessons and go back to my old ways of thinking. I am part of a group of people, several of whom have had indescribable times of pain and they have begun the process of seeing pain as a blessing. And they KNOW the grace of God well. I want to know the boundless grace of God. I have received it as a gift, I count on it's rewards, but I don't really know it. It's not my first thought when I consider God, it's not a high concern when I consider others, and I don't rely on it to come humbly, clean before my Holy Creator.
If pain is the vehicle to know God's grace and to come humbly before the throne of grace and quit using my goodness as my entrance card, then I am willing to stay here in the middle, at least for now.
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Missing Caleb
In my last post, I didn't really introduce the reason for my blog. I have used journalling for most of my adult life as a way to coral my emotions. My journals have exclusively been written as prayers and I write most often when my emotions are too much for me to reason out so I write and pray and am able (usually) to stop the pity-party and at least consider God's perspective for a moment. This is currently my journal.
Caleb died 2 months ago tomorrow. There have been so many emotions in that time. Many of them have been expected, some surprising, some conflicting and some simply more intense than I think I can handle. I had no idea that a person could feel this intensely about anything. My emotions have been so intense, I have been unable to write. This week has been an especially hard week. I have a tendency to have a delayed reaction to crisis anyway but this is a little more delayed than I thought it would be.
There is so much to grieve. I simply miss Caleb. So very, very much. I miss his smile. I miss him in the kitchen with me - especially over the holidays. I miss his excitement. But mostly, I am missing his presence. I think what I miss most is the opportunity to see restoration. He had been so, so angry the last 2 years and he was returning to the person we knew so well. I was so looking forward to our relationship being restored and made new and was excited about what it would look like with college and adult Caleb.
I have always viewed the kids as a product of their character and personality, not as a product of their behavior. Their behavior needs to be addressed and praised or confronted but they are who they were created to be, not how they are acting. Caleb has always had a generous heart. He truly wanted others to be happy and would give what he could to help. And he loved to laugh! He wore his emotions on his sleeve but because he was sharing them with you not because he wanted attention. I miss his heart. I miss seeing his affect on God's kingdom. I SOOO wanted to enjoy watching him be a parent and a force in his community. I miss his future. I do truly believe God chose the timing and I do trust His sovereignty but I still miss that journey.
In the grief I have been feeling, one thought keeps coming to mind. As I heard about the positive affects of Caleb's memorial service and how God has and is working because of things that were said or who Caleb was I am blessed. But I am also angry. At one point, I commented to Troy that although I am glad that person is knowing God now, I am not ready to trade my son for their salvation (not that that is really up to me anyway). And then I thought about my God. He gave up His son by choice, knowing the pain it would cause Himself and Jesus, solely for our salvation. Our relationship with Him is so important to Him, He considered this pain a worthwhile consequence for the joy of us.
Having felt this pain, I have a new appreciation for the sacrifice. This pain is magnitudes more than I thought possible. I had NO idea. It has physical effects - causes me to be unfocused (and I am used to being very focused), causes loss of appetite, weariness with everyday activity, exhaustion, sleeplessness, guilt, more guilt, uncertainty, loss of joy even during times of laughter, tears at any time. It also has increased my compassion by magnitudes, allows me to love more freely, causes an infusion of peace, a willingness to be weak and then the opportunity to watch God work, blessings innumerable through the hands of friends, a connection with others who have also experienced loss, a dependence on God I thought I had but obviously didn't.
God willingly felt this pain. God chose to give up His Son. God is good. He is in this pain. He is on the other side of this pain. He knows this pain and is kind to me. I only hope I am faithful and continue to remember all this (part of the reason for writing it down). And I hope I can view the value of eternity differently.
Caleb died 2 months ago tomorrow. There have been so many emotions in that time. Many of them have been expected, some surprising, some conflicting and some simply more intense than I think I can handle. I had no idea that a person could feel this intensely about anything. My emotions have been so intense, I have been unable to write. This week has been an especially hard week. I have a tendency to have a delayed reaction to crisis anyway but this is a little more delayed than I thought it would be.
There is so much to grieve. I simply miss Caleb. So very, very much. I miss his smile. I miss him in the kitchen with me - especially over the holidays. I miss his excitement. But mostly, I am missing his presence. I think what I miss most is the opportunity to see restoration. He had been so, so angry the last 2 years and he was returning to the person we knew so well. I was so looking forward to our relationship being restored and made new and was excited about what it would look like with college and adult Caleb.
I have always viewed the kids as a product of their character and personality, not as a product of their behavior. Their behavior needs to be addressed and praised or confronted but they are who they were created to be, not how they are acting. Caleb has always had a generous heart. He truly wanted others to be happy and would give what he could to help. And he loved to laugh! He wore his emotions on his sleeve but because he was sharing them with you not because he wanted attention. I miss his heart. I miss seeing his affect on God's kingdom. I SOOO wanted to enjoy watching him be a parent and a force in his community. I miss his future. I do truly believe God chose the timing and I do trust His sovereignty but I still miss that journey.
In the grief I have been feeling, one thought keeps coming to mind. As I heard about the positive affects of Caleb's memorial service and how God has and is working because of things that were said or who Caleb was I am blessed. But I am also angry. At one point, I commented to Troy that although I am glad that person is knowing God now, I am not ready to trade my son for their salvation (not that that is really up to me anyway). And then I thought about my God. He gave up His son by choice, knowing the pain it would cause Himself and Jesus, solely for our salvation. Our relationship with Him is so important to Him, He considered this pain a worthwhile consequence for the joy of us.
Having felt this pain, I have a new appreciation for the sacrifice. This pain is magnitudes more than I thought possible. I had NO idea. It has physical effects - causes me to be unfocused (and I am used to being very focused), causes loss of appetite, weariness with everyday activity, exhaustion, sleeplessness, guilt, more guilt, uncertainty, loss of joy even during times of laughter, tears at any time. It also has increased my compassion by magnitudes, allows me to love more freely, causes an infusion of peace, a willingness to be weak and then the opportunity to watch God work, blessings innumerable through the hands of friends, a connection with others who have also experienced loss, a dependence on God I thought I had but obviously didn't.
God willingly felt this pain. God chose to give up His Son. God is good. He is in this pain. He is on the other side of this pain. He knows this pain and is kind to me. I only hope I am faithful and continue to remember all this (part of the reason for writing it down). And I hope I can view the value of eternity differently.
Thursday, January 3, 2013
A New Year Starts
As 2013 starts, I have seriously mixed feelings. A part of me wants to go back 2 months and never move forward. Another part wants to move on and put 2012 (actually 2010-2012) behind me hoping the new year will be different. But most of me understands that even though the calendar year has changed, my journey has not. Today is just another day of almost 50 years of days.
2012 holds my deepest hurt to date. But it also holds unexpected beauty. And some unknown strength - although I can't take credit for the strength since I attribute that to a gracious God who has infused His strength and character in me undeservedly.
If you are new to my life, my 3rd child, 2nd son, committed suicide at age 18 in Nov 2012.
Never having had such a crisis in my life, I have never before had the opportunity to truly watch the Hands of God envelope a person or family as they did us. God's presence did not take away the pain. It did not lessen the pain. But it did reveal the character of God - His Peace, His Compassion, His Unconditional Love, His Strength, His Comfort, and His Power over despair.
But then again, this is the God I know. This is the God that promises He is always present with His children. This is the God that calls us (His church and people) to unity so He can be so obviously displayed. This is the God that promises He is for our good - it is His priority. This is the God that rewards obedience. This is the same Jesus who was always gentle with the hurting, never asking anything of them but faith.
God was showing me - months before Caleb's death - that pain is not the enemy. It is not a symbol of failure. The system doesn't work in such a way that if I do, say, be right things then life will be easier and if I sin or fail then I will have more pain. That's not the system Jesus lived in and what would make me think that I would live in a better system than He? Now I see that pain comes. It comes in larger doses to some and smaller doses to others, but it comes. And I can choose to see God's presence and provision in the pain or not but that does not change God's presence and provision being there.
I am grateful, beyond words, that God has chosen to capture my heart. And I am so very glad I have chosen to stay captured. I tried to run once - and didn't make it very far. God has shown His Goodness and gentle compassion in abundance over the last 2 months and I am grateful to be the recipient. And am thankful, beyond words, for the many people around us who have been unending displays of God's character.
2012 holds my deepest hurt to date. But it also holds unexpected beauty. And some unknown strength - although I can't take credit for the strength since I attribute that to a gracious God who has infused His strength and character in me undeservedly.
If you are new to my life, my 3rd child, 2nd son, committed suicide at age 18 in Nov 2012.
Never having had such a crisis in my life, I have never before had the opportunity to truly watch the Hands of God envelope a person or family as they did us. God's presence did not take away the pain. It did not lessen the pain. But it did reveal the character of God - His Peace, His Compassion, His Unconditional Love, His Strength, His Comfort, and His Power over despair.
But then again, this is the God I know. This is the God that promises He is always present with His children. This is the God that calls us (His church and people) to unity so He can be so obviously displayed. This is the God that promises He is for our good - it is His priority. This is the God that rewards obedience. This is the same Jesus who was always gentle with the hurting, never asking anything of them but faith.
God was showing me - months before Caleb's death - that pain is not the enemy. It is not a symbol of failure. The system doesn't work in such a way that if I do, say, be right things then life will be easier and if I sin or fail then I will have more pain. That's not the system Jesus lived in and what would make me think that I would live in a better system than He? Now I see that pain comes. It comes in larger doses to some and smaller doses to others, but it comes. And I can choose to see God's presence and provision in the pain or not but that does not change God's presence and provision being there.
I am grateful, beyond words, that God has chosen to capture my heart. And I am so very glad I have chosen to stay captured. I tried to run once - and didn't make it very far. God has shown His Goodness and gentle compassion in abundance over the last 2 months and I am grateful to be the recipient. And am thankful, beyond words, for the many people around us who have been unending displays of God's character.
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