Waves

Today I was able to spend some alone time at one of my favorite places on earth (so far) - our home at the beach.  I took my usual 4 mile walk but this time stopped for an hour or more and just sat and watched the waves.  My favorite waves to watch are in the Philippines but these come in a close second.

Waves are always a balm to my soul.  They are such a great representation of the absolute, unstoppable power of my Creator.  They are constant - never stopping movement.  They cannot be affected by humans in any way.  Yes, we can make moats around our sand castles and we can divert the flow for a little while but soon the waves will overpower any barrier we put up.  Yet, they are gentle and soothing.  They are fun and safe to play in and sometimes look more like a ripple than a force of power.  All this reminds me of the absolute sovereignty of God.  His power is incredible, usually hidden by His gentleness, but I never want to lose sight of the power behind that gentleness.

And, so today, I cried out to my gentle, powerful God - all the time knowing that He will not change my pain but that He is the ultimate power and strength to carry it and me.  I certainly need a power and strength beyond my own because I am feeling weak and faltering journeying through this pain.  I also know that He is, and will continue to be, gentle with me.  He is not setting a timeline for improvement, He continues to provide friends to encourage me, He continues to assure me that this pain will not consume me or my family, and He continues to meet me each day and remind me that He is present.

What a gift it is to be able to see the ocean in motion - to be able to see God's creation at work!  I know it is a gift to see God at work around me as well.  Father, help me never to be so consumed by this journey that I miss You around me.  Thank you for not forsaking me.  (and for the song "Yellow" coming on just now - oh, what a God of details You are.)

Graduation

I think graduation - especially from High School - is my 3rd favorite time of year - after Christmas and Easter.  I LOVE the energy, the expectation of something big on the horizon, the hope, and anticipation of a new journey, and the right leaving of the old to embrace the new.  I have always loved this time of year - even before kids of my own graduated - but especially since I have had graduates.  I simply adore teens and this time of year is SO very big in their lives.

I felt the same this year.  Caleb would have graduated this year so I have been looking forward to this month for a full year.  I love having a graduate - not only for their own reason - but because it means I get to be involved with lots of graduates.  So I had planned Caleb's party, gifts for his friends, and began anticipating the excitement of this month last September.

And I DID love it.  I loved being invited to 10 celebrations, making 10 blankets, writing 10 cards, watching 3 ceremonies, being involved in the excitement and passage to adulthood for 10 wonderful kids and several hundred additional kids peripherally.  It was nice to engage in others' joy and excitement.  And it felt comforting to be able to participate in others' celebrations even though I couldn't participate in my own.

But it was also the hardest month so far in this process.  The extreme difference of emotion was beyond exhausting.  And unbelievably lonely.  I really wanted to engage in others' joy, not bring attention to my own sorrow (and hopefully I was able to accomplish that).  But there is nothing like sitting in a stadium of 3000 people - all there to cheer on a graduate - only to hear your own child's name and have no cheers to offer but only tears.

I know God was sitting there with me (as well as Troy and Samantha) holding my hand and walking me through the pain.  And I know there were many people praying for us and especially for me.  I know I genuinely felt joy for the graduates I celebrated with and that was only by the power of God's grace.    It is amazing to me that I could feel such contrasting emotions in the same instant.  They didn't cancel each other out and they didn't fight with each other - they simply existed in the same space - where one would take priority for awhile and then the other.  I regularly stood in amazement at my ability to walk during those 2 weeks and I know it was God's power in me.  And I am still in awe that He would choose to be my help.

Thank you - those who faithfully prayed for me/us and still do.  I/we value your prayers, feel them, need them, cherish them.

Time

Time is such a fascinating thing.  2 Peter 3:8 says, "a day is like a thousand years and a thousand years are like a day".  Scripture also says that God is at the beginning of time and at the end of time and present now all at the same moment.  How does all that work?  Scientists have tried to understand the fundamentals of time and still don't get it all.  Many people have tried to stop time and no one can.  And others have tried to travel through time or change time - never going to happen.

And yet, we live in time.  Sometimes we try to "capture" time in our memories, sometimes we go on with a day and pay no attention to time.  I know for me, this last six months, time has looked different.  Time seems so much more important.  On the one hand, I want it to stop because I don't want one more day to go by with Caleb gone.  On the other hand, I want each day to end quickly because then, at least this day will be done.  Time has never passed so slowly or so quickly all at the same time.  And it's been a long while since I have paid so much attention to it's passing.

I remember as a young child, feeling each year was so long and so cool.  And as I got into my teens, it seemed the years went by much quicker.  Then as a mom of young kids, the days were all long but the years were going by way too fast.  I know in the last few years I mark the big things of each year but get to the end of the year and think about how little I did or accomplished.  This last six months, I have really noticed all the times that Caleb was not there and it seems that we do so much more every day than I noticed.

The truth is, at the end of time, in eternity, when time no longer exists, this will all seem so trivial and small.  The amazing thing about time is how constant and unchanging it is for now and yet how our perspective is so very fluid.  The reality is, though, that time is not constant, it is fluid, we just can't live there yet.  There are times I wish I could have the perspective of eternity but I can't seem to wrap my brain - and certainly not my emotions - around the concept and reality of eternity.

For now, I know "time is in His hands" and "He is my strength every morning".  Ours is certainly not the first journey into a new view of time and ours will not be the last.  Death truly changes our perspective of many things, time being one.  I am grateful such an important and vital part of our world is in much more capable hands than mine.  And that He chooses to walk through time, in my present, with me.  And that, one day, time will have no hold or memory.

God's Mercy

I have been sitting in my kitchen today doing various mundane tasks listening to my Pandora station and getting lost in the quiet it is bringing to my soul.  Quiet is hard to find these days and rest has been elusive so today's quiet has been sought after and enjoyed.

Recently a "MercyMe" song came on - "God With Us".  There are many lines in there about being released from our chains.  Any time a song comes my way - either through worship time in church or via radio/ipod/pandora - that talks about how God is our deliverer in our dark times I hurt deeply.  I can only picture my sweet Caleb, hurting so badly he could find no other answer to his pain than death, and cry through the whole song just wishing with all my heart that he could have seen what his God truly had to offer and that his God IS the God who was there waiting to offer release and healing from that pain.  And I thank God that He has released Caleb from that pain by taking him home but wish Caleb could have found it here so I could still have him with me.

Today, I heard that song, and for the first time in my life stood with my hands as high as I could get them and said "thank you" to my gracious God for offering that to me.  I can have that now.  I have been seeking this release for many years and think I am starting to understand that it truly is available now, to me, not just others.  I don't need to wait for some event (although I probably did, now I think about it) where God miraculously heals my hurt in one fell swoop but I can have release from those chains by choosing to trust the truth of His power.  If God offered that to Caleb and it could've changed his decision then God is offering it to me and it can change my today.  I truly don't know what has stopped me before.

Thank you, my God, for being so patient with me, but more so, for being the Great Healer, for having the power and desire to break any and all chains, and for being able to carry the weight of my pain, especially when I am too weary to do so.

Bittersweet Day

Today is February 6, 2013 - a bittersweet day in my life for many reasons.  The first of which is it's my 50th birthday.  Turning 50 is bitter primarily because I remember in college thinking about turning 50 and predicting that I would be too old at that point to have influence on my world.  And also bitter because Troy has been teasing me incessantly about joining AARP for 12 months (although he turned 50 first - go figure).

But turning 50 is actually more sweet than bitter.  In the last 10 years as I have watched friends turn 50, I discovered (much to my college ego's surprise) that influence increases at 50, not decreases.  I have watched them sweeten with age, as have I.  The experience of 50 years brings wisdom, understanding, a longer, deeper walk with God and a sweetness in friendships I didn't have at 22.  I am glad I am 50.  I have SO much more character development to do but the work done so far has been worth the time and is sweet.

But today is bittersweet for another reason.  Today is also the 3 month mark of Caleb's death.  That seems to hold lots of bitter taste.  I had NO idea 3 months ago that a single person could leave such a hole in my life.  Had I known how truly large the hole would be, I would not have believed that I could live with that hole with any amount of productivity.  This hole definitely is large enough to swallow me completely.  It sometimes seems bigger than I am and I sometimes wonder how I am not falling in - it should be inevitable.  This grief is all-consuming.  It is so very much more than I ever imagined I could feel.  Again, had I known how intense a grief could be, I would not have been able to imagine it not taking over completely.  And not just for me, but for so many people.  How did I miss this when other people around me suffered loss?

But the word bittersweet has the "sweet" side to it - not to be cast aside.  In living with this hole that seems larger than I am, I find I AM living.  I find that I am more compassionate to others (that character development thing).  I have found that God's grace is SOOOO much bigger than my hole and so much bigger than I ever imagined.  And His love for me, and for those around me grieving, is bigger and more all-consuming (if that is possible) than my grief.  It's almost like I have a rope tethered to my waist that cannot be cut and it doesn't matter how deep the hole is or how strong the pull, I cannot fall in.  I would never have imagined that I could be surrounded by His presence through people and in private like I am.  And I'm not doing anything to attain His presence - He is just here - faithful, offering grace, offering comfort, offering peace.

I REALLY miss Caleb.  I really don't want this journey.  I really don't want to watch, helpless, as those I love grieve.  I am so very sad as I watch the ripple effects.  I am so weary of the conversations in my head of all the things I could have done different.  I am tired of grieving and I'm just starting.  And it seems to be getting harder.  And I am so very, very tired of fighting to see the "sweet" and deny the guilt.  BUT God has clearly declared His intention to claim me as His child and envelope me in His Goodness and Righteousness.  He declares me guilty or not (not in this case) and He declares that He is with me and stronger than my grief.  It is worth the energy it takes to fight.  Besides, not fighting, but giving in, doesn't feel any better (it actually feels worse on many levels), it's just easier.  But not really, because fighting alongside God today gives me the energy to do it again tomorrow.

Thank You, God, for pursuing Your people, Your created works of art.

And thank you for Your gift of Caleb.  I love the part of You I saw through Your creation.

Grace

I was so encouraged today in church (Thank you, Pastor Bill).  He was speaking on the wedding feast in Matthew 22 and talked about our possible responses to the invitation God gives us to enter His kingdom and accept His Grace.

In Matthew, Jesus tells a parable about a king who planned a wedding feast for his son and invited all his friends.  On the day of the feast, the friends don't come so the king invites anyone and everyone from the streets.  Even of those, there is some who don't come dressed appropriately.  My summary of Pastor Bill's interpretation is that we have 3 possible responses to God's call.

1).  We can reject the invitation - either by indifference or hostility.  Indifference would include being too busy with our normal life or being distracted.  Hostility would be purposely, and maybe violently, rejecting the invitation.

2).  We can accept the invitation but do so on our terms, not on God's terms.  In the parable, a man came in the wrong clothing but the problem with that is that the king provided the proper clothes, at no cost to the man, and the man refused to wear them.  We can come to God but not really humble ourselves under His rule, or think that our own righteousness should be enough and not truly cloak ourselves with Christ's righteousness.

3).  We can accept the invitation and understand that even our righteousness is provided by our God and then stand astonished by His mercy and the gifts we get to receive just because we are sitting at the table.

I think I have sat most often in the 2nd set of people.  And I am noticing that my understanding of God's grace is changing, dramatically.  With Caleb's death, I think I have a better view of the truly temporal existence we have.  I have always known that life was short and ended but that for God's people life continued through eternity in God's presence, but I didn't truly know how to apply that to my daily thinking. I now have a very clear look at how life here ends.

In seeing that, I am seeing how truly inadequate my efforts are.  I cannot extend my life, I cannot gain heaven, I cannot change my position.  My time on earth is set, once I have accepted Christ I have gained heaven, and my position will always be that of an adopted, loved child.  Acknowledging the grace of God gives me the ability to ENJOY the feast - to sit at the table astonished at the food in front of me - to wear beautiful clothing (righteousness) I could never afford - to be at the table with some impressive people I might not otherwise get to meet.  God's grace is more than entrance to heaven, it is my supply for everyday.  It gives me the ability to rest in the midst of pain, it allows me to not wallow in guilt, it offers me ability to give myself a break everyday as I struggle with daily life, it has allowed me to show God's character when I don't feel adequate to do so.  In short, to truly understand how inadequate I am and how fully engaged God is in my life.

I have said to God before, "I want to KNOW Your grace, do what it takes to teach me".  I'm sure there have been and could be other opportunities to learn but I am grateful He is still gently teaching me and that I am willing to listen and learn and haven't closed my heart to His teaching.  Again, He has captured my heart and I want to stay captured.

A New Week

This week has been a new week.  It's the first week of "normality" since Caleb died.  The normalness isn't really normal but it isn't really different either.  The routine is the same and most of the time Caleb isn't at the front of the conversation or even thoughts.  But, then again, nothing is really the same.  It's still hard to stay focused and everything is harder and takes longer and seems heavier.  I never know if I'm supposed to be doing life as normal or if I'm supposed to be grieving (whatever that means).  I feel guilty whatever I do.  The hardest is watching the pain of those around me.  Especially my other 3 children.  I am so very sorry for their pain and have no way to help reduce it.

It happens, I have been looking at God and pain and the role pain plays in our relationship with our Creator. I had started to see that pain is part of the process of knowing God before Caleb died.  Not only is pain unavoidable, it truly is part of the joy of knowing God.  I think on some level, God purposes pain.  I don't believe all pain is from God, although he allows it, but I do think some comes from His hand.  And either way, it is a necessary part of intimacy.

This has been a huge perspective change for me.  Pain is not only unavoidable, it is something not to avoid.  I don't know that I'm ready to embrace it but I do need to not run from it.  I need to stay in the middle of it, engage with it, and watch God work through it.  In pain is where it is easiest for me to see God's strength in my weakness.  The humility I am beginning to develop as I simply sit with pain is surprising.  I think what surprises me the most is that in this pain I am not heading to depression or getting antsy or angry.  Don't get me wrong, I am NOT enjoying this.  Pain is hurtful and hard but allowing it to be a part of my journey, and not fighting it is showing me how to truly rest in God's peace.  I AM enjoying this peace and the beginning of truly embracing God's grace.

I sometimes feel this will be wasted, that once I am back to "normal", I will forget these lessons and go back to my old ways of thinking.  I am part of a group of people, several of whom have had indescribable times of pain and they have begun the process of seeing pain as a blessing.  And they KNOW the grace of God well.  I want to know the boundless grace of God.  I have received it as a gift, I count on it's rewards, but I don't really know it.  It's not my first thought when I consider God, it's not a high concern when I consider others, and I don't rely on it to come humbly, clean before my Holy Creator.

If pain is the vehicle to know God's grace and to come humbly before the throne of grace and quit using my goodness as my entrance card, then I am willing to stay here in the middle, at least for now.

Missing Caleb

In my last post, I didn't really introduce the reason for my blog.  I have used journalling for most of my adult life as a way to coral my emotions.  My journals have exclusively been written as prayers and I write most often when my emotions are too much for me to reason out so I write and pray and am able (usually) to stop the pity-party and at least consider God's perspective for a moment.  This is currently my journal.

Caleb died 2 months ago tomorrow.  There have been so many emotions in that time.  Many of them have been expected, some surprising, some conflicting and some simply more intense than I think I can handle.  I had no idea that a person could feel this intensely about anything.  My emotions have been so intense, I have been unable to write.  This week has been an especially hard week.  I have a tendency to have a delayed reaction to crisis anyway but this is a little more delayed than I thought it would be.

There is so much to grieve.  I simply miss Caleb.  So very, very much.  I miss his smile.  I miss him in the kitchen with me - especially over the holidays.  I miss his excitement.  But mostly, I am missing his presence. I think what I miss most is the opportunity to see restoration.  He had been so, so angry the last 2 years and he was returning to the person we knew so well.  I was so looking forward to our relationship being restored and made new and was excited about what it would look like with college and adult Caleb.

I have always viewed the kids as a product of their character and personality, not as a product of their behavior.  Their behavior needs to be addressed and praised or confronted but they are who they were created to be, not how they are acting.  Caleb has always had a generous heart.  He truly wanted others to be happy and would give what he could to help.  And he loved to laugh!  He wore his emotions on his sleeve but because he was sharing them with you not because he wanted attention.  I miss his heart.  I miss seeing his affect on God's kingdom.  I SOOO wanted to enjoy watching him be a parent and a force in his community.  I miss his future.  I do truly believe God chose the timing and I do trust His sovereignty but I still miss that journey.

In the grief I have been feeling, one thought keeps coming to mind.  As I heard about the positive affects of Caleb's memorial service and how God has and is working because of things that were said or who Caleb was I am blessed.  But I am also angry.  At one point, I commented to Troy that although I am glad that person is knowing God now, I am not ready to trade my son for their salvation (not that that is really up to me anyway).  And then I thought about my God.  He gave up His son by choice, knowing the pain it would cause Himself and Jesus, solely for our salvation.  Our relationship with Him is so important to Him, He considered this pain a worthwhile consequence for the joy of us.

Having felt this pain, I have a new appreciation for the sacrifice.  This pain is magnitudes more than I thought possible.  I had NO idea.  It has physical effects - causes me to be unfocused (and I am used to being very focused), causes loss of appetite, weariness with everyday activity, exhaustion, sleeplessness, guilt, more guilt, uncertainty, loss of joy even during times of laughter, tears at any time.  It also has increased my compassion by magnitudes, allows me to love more freely, causes an infusion of peace, a willingness to be weak and then the opportunity to watch God work, blessings innumerable through the hands of friends, a connection with others who have also experienced loss, a dependence on God I thought I had but obviously didn't.

God willingly felt this pain.  God chose to give up His Son.  God is good.  He is in this pain.  He is on the other side of this pain.  He knows this pain and is kind to me.  I only hope I am faithful and continue to remember all this (part of the reason for writing it down).  And I hope I can view the value of eternity differently.

A New Year Starts

As 2013 starts, I have seriously mixed feelings.  A part of me wants to go back 2 months and never move forward.  Another part wants to move on and put 2012 (actually 2010-2012) behind me hoping the new year will be different.  But most of me understands that even though the calendar year has changed, my journey has not.  Today is just another day of almost 50 years of days.

2012 holds my deepest hurt to date.  But it also holds unexpected beauty.  And some unknown strength - although I can't take credit for the strength since I attribute that to a gracious God who has infused His strength and character in me undeservedly.

If you are new to my life, my 3rd child, 2nd son, committed suicide at age 18 in Nov 2012.

Never having had such a crisis in my life, I have never before had the opportunity to truly watch the Hands of God envelope a person or family as they did us.  God's presence did not take away the pain.  It did not lessen the pain.  But it did reveal the character of God - His Peace, His Compassion, His Unconditional Love, His Strength, His Comfort, and His Power over despair.

But then again, this is the God I know.  This is the God that promises He is always present with His children. This is the God that calls us (His church and people) to unity so He can be so obviously displayed.  This is the God that promises He is for our good - it is His priority.  This is the God that rewards obedience.  This is the same Jesus who was always gentle with the hurting, never asking anything of them but faith.

God was showing me - months before Caleb's death - that pain is not the enemy.  It is not a symbol of failure.  The system doesn't work in such a way that if I do, say, be right things then life will be easier and if I sin or fail then I will have more pain.  That's not the system Jesus lived in and what would make me think that I would live in a better system than He?  Now I see that pain comes.  It comes in larger doses to some and smaller doses to others, but it comes.  And I can choose to see God's presence and provision in the pain or not but that does not change God's presence and provision being there.

I am grateful, beyond words, that God has chosen to capture my heart.  And I am so very glad I have chosen to stay captured.  I tried to run once - and didn't make it very far.  God has shown His Goodness and gentle compassion in abundance over the last 2 months and I am grateful to be the recipient.  And am thankful, beyond words, for the many people around us who have been unending displays of God's character.