It's been 4 years. I can't believe it has been so long. And yet, it will always be so close. This year it seems like a wicked, cruel joke. It's far enough away it doesn't seem real and yet close enough I can feel the pain sharply.
I hate that it's starting to feel normal. I hate that I was hoping it wouldn't hurt so much this year. I hate how angry I am this time. I hate most how much it hurts my other kids so much and that I can do nothing about it.
I felt a spark of life this Fall and to now come back down to my reality feels like a long drop. It seems more intense but since it came later than usual I guess it just came harder. I miss Caleb more this year than ever. I just miss him. So much.
I know the right thing to say is to proclaim the Goodness of God. God has been good. And I acknowledge that daily. And I am willing to submit to the Sovereign decisions of the Creator. And I truly believe that pain is not bad but often is a path to intimacy with God. And I believe intimacy with God is of more value than anything else in life. But I am hating the pain right now. It hurts. It hurts deeply. And there's no way to stop it.
