My mom died this year on August 2nd, 2016. She spent 2 full years being sick and battling various reincarnations of the same problem.
Her illness started in August 2014. I remember being frustrated with her at Samantha's birthday party, Sept 2. She was acting sick, hadn't said a word about Caleb's birthday (Aug 31) or much about Sam's graduation in June and was just being self-centered. Little did I know how very sick she actually was that day and how much energy it took for her to come to the party.
In October that year, I began going to doctor appointments with my parents and visiting Mom at the hospital regularly. I spent most of October - December 2014 doing my best to support them. This included helping Dad figure out how to cook for a wife who wouldn't eat, clean house, give him encouragement as he watched his best friend lose 50 pounds in 3 months and help him make decisions and manage the healthcare system. And 3 weeks of December, visiting Mom every 2 or 3 days in the hospital.
She left the hospital with a 10" long, 2" wide incision left open due to a vicious virus. As soon as that (mostly) healed, she started Chemo in April. So I joined them almost every chemo visit and continued to help with meals and general encouragement. Finally, the time came to do another surgery and hopefully fix things up and she could begin truly healing. But, no, surgery time in November 2015 brought news of incurable cancer. So now, came 8 months of waiting to die. And watching my dad watch and wait for her to die and watch his heart break in the process.
In the middle of all this, March 2016, mom fell and broke her hip. Seriously!?!
Starting in June 2016, mom went on hospice and I spent 3 days a week over there, to love mom, to give dad a break and love dad, and just to be with mom. Most of that time, mom didn't respond much. For one, it took too much energy that she didn't have. For another, I'm not sure she knew what to say or how to respond.
My analysis of all this is all over the place emotionally. It was a privilege to watch mom and dad walk through this. They were truly each other's best friends. What an example of a good marriage relationship! It was inspiring to watch them and want what they had. And mom was literally, every nurse's favorite patient. She was always so positive and easy going - the nurses loved her and would do anything for her. She never complained and she always had a smile for everyone who came in her room. Even after she broke her hip, she did not give up but tried hard to get better, even though she knew there was nothing to get better for - time was running out no matter what she did.
I personally enjoyed watching her and truly considered it a privilege to be a part of this process and didn't resent the time I spent with them in the slightest. But at the same time, I felt like this woman I was watching was not the mom I knew. I wished I had known this woman earlier. I wished she had liked me and that I had given her a break a long time ago. So I felt a loss and a lot of guilt during this time as well.
And then the day of her death came. I had come Sunday at midnight and she died Tuesday morning. I probably slept 4 hours during that time. I was watching this beautiful woman, my dad's whole life, this positive energy, this lover of God fade away to nothing. I was holding her hand when she left earth. What an amazing moment! She opened her eyes as she was taking her last breath and I'm certain she could see heaven in that moment and was looking at where she was going. What an amazing transition! In that moment, I was able to look at heaven as a place of beauty.
After Caleb (my son) died, I became angry at heaven. I don't know how to explain it. I understand all the theology and that Caleb was in a place of beauty and rest but I couldn't see it that way. All I could see was that heaven had taken Caleb from me. Caleb shouldn't be in heaven, he should be here. Heaven was not a place of good for him, it was a place of bad for me. But when I watched mom move from here to there, I suddenly saw heaven as a place of welcome. Caleb was welcoming mom into his home of beauty. He was going to show her around and she was going to introduce him to people he didn't know yet. And my mom was going to be LOVED by her mom (who didn't love her well on earth) and mom was going to be able to laugh fully and dance because now she had the energy to do that. Which means Caleb was doing all those things as well. Caleb is well-loved where he is. And probably being the head of the welcome committee.
So, mom gave me a beautiful gift in her death. By ushering her into heaven, I was able to break the chains earth had put on me and I am beginning to see the gift that heaven is. God intends heaven to be a gift large enough to produce hope and joy in the future. That gift had been tainted for me and now I have the opportunity to see the gift for what it is and enjoy it. I miss mom. I miss Caleb. I miss the kids in heaven I haven't met yet. I am looking forward to seeing all of them. But I am more so looking forward to better knowing the God that created heaven and His heart behind that creation.
