Wow! It's been a while since I wrote here. It's also been a hard year. I feel I am barely making it to the next activity and haven't had time to have emotions. Then, of course, I have decided to try counseling, which just brings those emotions up to the forefront. And, I am intimately involved with my parents and my moms battle with cancer. So, I guess there are good reasons for not writing.
Which brings me to the new year. I used to really enjoy the New Year. I loved the energy of a new start - the hope, the adventure, the plans. I loved the opportunity to leave the past behind and start new. I was certain I would fail at any resolutions so I refused to make them but I loved the hope of change.
I also LOVED to get together on New Year's Eve with friends and play games. One of my top ten favorite days of the year. My family doesn't like playing games with me and I love to play games so this night was always my night to play games with no coercing or complaining and we could play for HOURS.
It also was the end of Christmas. I adored Christmas and actually hated taking down all the decorations but that was also a fresh start of it's own. Everything in the house got touched. I used to clean out and organize all the kids' rooms (they needed space for their new toys and clothes), I would sometimes rearrange the furniture, common rooms would look uncluttered after all the Christmas was put away, everything would be dusted and cleaned. It was just fresh.
Now, though, all of those things I looked forward to have a completely different affect. Now, I can barely wait for Christmas to be done. I just want to get through it. Therefore cleaning it up is exhausting. Especially putting away the stockings and ornaments (Caleb's in particular). I am so very low on energy from the efforts of Christmas that cleaning it up zaps what's left. Instead of feeling and looking fresh everything just feels empty - magnified by the energy of the month before.
Hence, I don't have the energy to spend time with other people - especially on New Year's Eve. I just want to crawl in a corner and be hidden and invisible. Smiling seems an impossible task, having fun seems a betrayal, playing games, which used to be energy giving, seems pointless and energy zapping.
And the hope of a new year is now excruciating. I don't want another year to pass. I don't want to have to start again, a new year, trying to figure out how to better manage my life with this loss. I don't want to mark the continuation of time. I want to pretend each new day is just a day, not more time since Caleb smiled, and I can't avoid that truth at the change of years. I want to crawl in bed on December 30th and sleep until January 3rd and pretend nothing changed.
I know it is just another day. I know the passing of time happens whether I acknowledge it or not. I know taking down Caleb's stocking and ornaments will be hard but recognizing his place in our lives by putting them up is worth it. I know others are simply enjoying celebrating and want to include me - which I know is a gift. I know my life is NOT empty - my husband, my kids, my incredible friends and my family are filling my world. I know I can sleep for 4 days if I want to and I know that will not change anything and it won't help.
And I know God is not limited to time and one day I won't be either. Right now that concept is far beyond my grasp. I can't see beyond time. My logic can't win this emotional battle. And, today, ending this on a positive note seems out of my reach. I do know God is Good. And He is present. And that will need to be enough.
