Good Week

This week was a good week.

What a pleasure to say that.  The definition of good, in this case, was all circumstantial, but it was quite simply good.  There was a time where I wondered if/when I would have a simply good day/week again without it requiring an act of my will and attitude.

The circumstances which defined good for this week are:

• Nathan got a parking pass at school!  There were no passes available and a few of the conversations I had looked pretty negative but in the end, he has a pass.
• Nathan is set to start PCC in January!  He still needs to be accepted but it looked like a large block to beginning the process might be difficult to move and it simply evaporated.
• Nathan has a car!  It looks like a reliable, affordable car that fits Nathan's personality.  And I no longer have to drive everywhere!
• Nathan passed his driving test on his first try!
• A friend, Aaron Doerr, was kind enough to record Caleb's phone message for me so I can now proceed with taking his phone off my bill.  This good was a more normal good in that it was a really hard process.  But, I have been attempting this for over a year, and it was a relief to get it done.
• Josh has had 2 good interviews for a job he really wants!
• I was able to buy tall boots that fit!  I have been trying to buy boots for 12 years and could never find a pair that fit.  

All of these are so small but they made a good week.  And all are so ridiculous in the big scheme of life.  But I have enjoyed my good week for the simple pleasure it is.

God is GOOD all the time!  Not just when circumstances are easy but ALL the time.

2 Years

It's been two years since Caleb died.  It's impossible to describe this journey.  There is never a day where it feels like 2 years ago - that is so long.  It always feels like time has passed without me tracking it.  It doesn't feel like yesterday anymore but how can it possibly have been 2 years?

I remember last year at this time.  I was so overwhelmed, unable to do much more than barely function for the day.  My grief was so very large and looming that I didn't know how to manage it or process it.  This year is different.  Not so much less grief but I am better at managing it.  This year the over-riding feeling is weariness.  I am so very tired.

 But this year also has hope.  And life.  As I watch the other kids become more functional and begin living.  It's as if we are learning how to live with our grief instead of living through grief.  Grief is no longer the driving force.  Although it's still a big influence, we are learning to put it in perspective and not allow it to destroy us any longer.

I imagine it is like a person who has lost a limb in an accident.  At first, there is the shock and constant pain and constant desire to have things back to normal.  And then there is the rehab process - learning how to function without that limb and compensate for it's absence.  Eventually, a person can function seamlessly - as though that limb were not missing.  Although, I would imagine, that person never forgets they are missing a limb and some days they notice it's absence more than other days.

I want to be the person who learns to function well with a missing piece and not be the person who is always focused on what is missing.  Last year, I wondered if we/I would be able to see beyond our loss and this year I see that process happening - HOPE.

God is, and always has been, GOOD.  I cannot express how grateful I am to have a compassionate God who is living, active, responsive, and personally involved in my life.  And, I am grateful and blessed to have a husband who has actively sought God through this process and purposed to walk compassionately and honestly with me.

Check out his blog at http://troyfarwell.blogspot.com/

one wish

"If you had one wish, what would it be?"

I actually get asked that question surprisingly often.  In my circles of death, the answer is usually "one more day with ..."

Probably surprisingly, that is not my answer.  It never has been.  I know that one more day would never be enough.  I know that the pain of saying good-bye again might be too much.  I know that after that "one more day" I would only want more and so what I really want is a lifetime, not a day.

So what would my wish be?

I have been thinking a lot about that lately.  My response has been:

"To know for sure that Caleb was convinced of how much I valued him, how much I loved him, how much I liked him, how proud I was of him, how much hope I had for his future."

The truth is, my wish has come true.  Caleb now knows his true value.  He has heard it - in person - from the only One who has the ability to give value.  The value God can give Caleb is so much greater than any value I can give Caleb.  And he is now fully convinced of his immeasurable value to his Creator, the Sovereign Ruler of the world, his Savior.  What more could I possibly want for Caleb?

The reality is, truth has not yet given my heart the rest and comfort it so desperately desires.  I know for sure that Caleb is convinced of his value.  But, obviously, my wish coming true isn't that helpful so maybe it is not truly what my "one wish" would be.

Troy talks to God about Caleb and asks God to communicate things to him.  I'm not sure what I think of that but since I am not convinced that's how the system works, it would give me no peace or comfort to talk to Caleb through God so I don't.  At the moment, I don't believe the dead hear us - why would they listen when they have angels and God Himself to listen to?  Isn't that why we long for heaven so much - to be rid of all this earth has to offer?  But that leaves me with no options for communicating this "one wish" to Caleb.

So, now, I guess I need to begin the process of gaining comfort from the truth.  My "one wish" has come true.  Caleb may not have known those things on earth but he does now.  I guess my one wish is not that he knows those now but actually that he knew those - somewhere in his heart - before he died.  That I will never know.

Either way, he does know that now.  Of that I am convinced.

And one day, truth will win over wishes in my heart.

Anger / Forgiveness / Guilt / Grace

I so very much appreciate my husband.  I am a true introvert.  I don't process well with people around, even family.  I need time alone to truly process important things.  So, this weekend, he allowed me time alone at the beach without making me feel guilty and without being offended.  What a gift he gives me!

My processing this weekend had taken me a couple different directions.  In circles of grief, we often talk about anger and forgiveness.  I have had trouble figuring out exactly where I stand on these two subjects.

Anger:
I know it's OK for me to be angry.  It's normal, it's legitimate, it's justified.  But I'm truly not angry at Caleb.  I never have been.  I understand that may change and I am willing to manage that when it comes.  But for now, I'm not.  I am angry at the disruption to Nathan's life.  I'm angry that he is now apathetic, feels defeated at life, is having a hard time just functioning in life.  I'm angry that Samantha is now struggling with anger, that her dream got derailed, that she feels abandoned by her friends because death is too much for them to confront.  I'm angry that this has confirmed Josh's opinion that God doesn't care about him.  I get angry at my inability to be fully functioning at times, at my lack of focus, at my unending exhaustion,  But that's not directed at Caleb.  Or even God.  It's like being angry at cancer or disease or a typhoon or sin in the world.  It's not a directed anger, just a general anger.  And so far, it hasn't caused me to distrust God or others or see harm around every corner or give up on life.

Forgiveness:
Since I'm not angry at Caleb, I don't see a need to forgive him.  I guess I have but it wasn't hard.  And I don't need to do it regularly.  Also, since my anger isn't directed at anything in particular, I don't really know who or what to forgive.  Troy says he forgives Caleb weekly.  I think that is more for Troy than Caleb - to make sure he doesn't get overcome by bitterness.  I sometimes wish I could "forgive" Caleb to have armor against bitterness but right now, I don't seem to need it.  What I do need, is forgiveness for myself.  I ask for forgiveness for myself regularly for any part I played in hurting him so badly.  Forgiving him has been much easier than forgiving myself.  Hence, guilt is another story.

Guilt/Grace:
I was talking with a mom who was asking how to not be crushed by the guilt she feels over her son's suicide.  Guilt over what she did to contribute to his decision and guilt over what she didn't do to stop it.  Guilt I deal with daily.  Some days, I am afraid I will be crushed by it.  I am convinced that the practice of acknowledging God's Grace in smaller things has allowed me to acknowledge His Grace in this monumental thing.  I am more than thankful for God's consistency and generosity in giving Grace.

I would love to feel forgiven and free of guilt.  Most days, I simply have to believe the truth I know - that God is and was Sovereign and had Caleb's life in His hands - that any and all mistakes I made were reclaimable by God's healing and not the cause of Caleb's death - that any part I did play is forgivable and forgiven already - that this hurt to my other children is able to be healed as well.  I repeat it over and over and fall at the feet of my Savior begging for His Mercy again.  Fortunately for me, He consistently puts friends in my path who gently remind me it was Caleb's decision and not my responsibility.  I know that if my friend was in my position, I would be saying those same things to her and believing them.  For myself, I am still having trouble accepting them but I chose to believe - at least for that one moment - which gets me to the next moment without being crushed.

What a gift Grace is!  I have always known Grace is a gift beyond our understanding.  With this huge weight of guilt I feel, I have an better understanding of it's gift.  It's one of those dichotomies in life - to better appreciate the value of grace we have to mess up even bigger.  I once prayed for a better understanding of Grace and at the time thought "Wait a minute!  That means I will have to mess up more.  I'm not sure I'm going to like this process."  And, I don't.  But the gift and the Giver are so much larger than my guilt.  How undeserving I am to receive this gift.  And how grateful I am.

Birthday Time

Yesterday we celebrated Caleb's 20th birthday.  Tomorrow we celebrate Samantha's 23rd birthday.  Their birthdays have been close for 20 years (duh!).  I have worked hard over the years to make sure each child had a special day of their own without being absorbed or overshadowed by the other.  What an insurmountable task that is now.

Sam is such a wonder!  We talked about how I want to truly celebrate her.  She understands but it's hard to figure out how to do that in the aftermath of remembering Caleb.  But she tries.  And I try.  And we all give it our best effort.  And hopefully she feels as honored and treasured as she truly is.  So tomorrow has the bright packages and streamers all set out and the grandparents coming and her food of choice all ready to go!

Yesterday was a disaster.  The good part was having Caleb's friends come over to eat lunch with us. It always warms my heart when they are here because it makes Caleb seem close.  I love their energy, their stories, their life!  What I had hoped was that they would tell stories of Caleb while they were here.  I haven't heard any since he died.  I guess I was hoping he would come alive for an hour or two, on this one day of the year, through their and our stories but now the opportunity has passed with no stories told.  I'm usually pretty careful about setting expectations and usually more aware of possible pitfalls than I was yesterday.  When the stories didn't come (probably because I didn't start them), I was absolutely crushed.  I have not fallen that hard in a long time.

Reality is I may not have the chance to hear stories again for awhile.  Almost 2 years later the pain of remembering is too strong for most of my family and probably his friends.  And the reality is that I need to begin remembering my own stories and that will be painful.  But also so very sweet.  I really want to taste just a piece of Caleb for just a moment.

Tomorrow, though, is another special day.  And this one I can enjoy with no reservations.  I get to honor the "best daughter in the world".  She truly is an amazing person I look up to and admire.  She is kind, compassionate, successful, creative, beautiful, caring, hard working, honest, and best of all, she likes me!

God, I thank You for all four of my children.  They are each such beautiful gifts from You.  Thank You for my 18 years with Caleb and for 23 years with Samantha.  And especially for the precious friendship she and I have.  As always, You are a Good and Gracious Sovereign God.

Beyond a Year and a Half

It's been so hard to write lately.  I can only write when I have the space to process my emotions and I have been so filled with fear, it has taken up all the space (which wasn't much to begin with).

Let me start with God is GOOD!  I have not forgotten that, nor is it hidden from me.  I see His Goodness daily.  But He is not easy.  He gives much but He also requires much.  He doesn't require more than He gives but it seems He requires more than I am capable of on my own.  Which I suppose is the point but so tiring and hard when daily I start and end on empty, wondering where I will get all I need for today.

Most days I have enough for the day.  Some days I have more than I could ever expect. And some days I don't have enough and something gets missed or I get snappy or I check out or I let down family and friends.  Those days are the hardest fights.  I not only have to fight harder because I have less to give but then I also get to fight myself and my guilt and recriminations AND I usually have to fix whatever I broke.

Everyday I fight with the unfairness of Nathan's new life or Sam's struggles or Josh's pain pitted against the absolute certainty I have in the Goodness and Sovereignty of God.  Everyday I feel absolutely alone and yet I know I have a large support system.  Everyday I get mad that no one is helping me and at the same time I have people asking me almost daily what they can do.  Everyday I see something that makes me want to cry and then I have to fight to not start because I am unsure if I will be able to stop.  Everyday I wake up with a list of things to do and if the list gets accomplished I still miss Caleb and if I give myself a break and don't get the list done, I still miss Caleb (only now feel guilty). Everyday I set out to spend time alone with God and everyday I find it too hard because my wall has to come down to be in His Presence and again, I'm not sure if I will be able to function.  Everyday I feel like I am an actor in some cruel play and I really want it to be over.  Everyday I fight with reality because I just want Caleb here and everyday I have to come to grips, again, with the fact that that's not going to happen.  Everyday I wonder if and when this will end and everyday I realize it never will.  It will change, I know, and not be quite so sharp of a pain, but this pain will never leave and everyday I wonder how I will manage the pain tomorrow.  Everyday I look at the truth of the future and am defeated by the pain ahead and at the same time encouraged knowing God will be there and time will pass and I will be there and functioning (hopefully well enough to be of service to others).  Everyday I am frustrated that this defines my life (who really wants to be defined by death - and especially suicide) and I try to be me in spite of that and yet everyday I can't get away from Caleb and don't really want to.

Troy made the comment the other day that he is trying to quit living as though he died too.  I totally get that. I guess I don't know how to do that yet.  I do just want to live again.  I want to be a whole family.  I want everyone healthy.  I want no more elephants in the room for EVERY conversation.  I want to be more than the death of my son.  And I want security again.  What I have is a God who is Secure, Sovereign, Good, Trustworthy, the ultimate Healer, absolute Life, and Eternal.  One day the knowledge that I will see Caleb again will bring joy.  Right now I simply cling to the God who offers that promise and trust all that I know of Him.

Thank you, Father, for being Faithful and holding me through this and continuing to draw me to Yourself.

Gratitude List

This post is primarily for me.  It is becoming easier, and happens more often, for me to be overwhelmed by the black cloud that is always near by.  I want to have a list, in black and white, to remind me of all that God did - during and since - Caleb's death.  He has been Good, Gracious, Generous, Constant, Kind, Gentle, Faithful, and Present.  I don't want to forget His Goodness.

• We had Caleb's Senior pictures taken - 2 weeks before he died - and Jessica caught Caleb's true smile and caught him laughing - I hadn't seen that smile in a while.  I had asked her to take the pictures in November and she scheduled it in October.  Truly, God's gift and protection for me.
• Troy's trip was cancelled and he was in town.
• The chaplain who was on call was so encouraging and helpful.
• God met me in a very real way that day.  I can't even explain it but He talked with me all day, as if He was right next to me.  Some things He told me are:
• yes, I am a true believer, not just a pew sitter
• the hard work I have put into my walk with God is showing in grace
• God is sovereign and in control and was not absent
• I am strong and it's good
• He will walk this with me
• I have wonderful friends because they are quality people
• also, because I have been a good friend
• God knew this was coming and orchestrated events to make it easier
• Caleb's day was decided before he was born   
• My friends continued to call on me weekly for months
• Caleb's friends continue to stay in contact and invited us to their graduation events
• TuHS treated Caleb with respect and remembered him well
• Abby put flowers on Caleb's chair at graduation so I would know where he was sitting
• Matt helped out Josh
• Patrick and Tyler both stepped in to help Nathan - plus his friends Josh and Brandon
• Craig went to fly with Samantha, her Ecuadorian teacher was fantastic, Kindy has stepped in since
• Dougy Center had an opening
• Nathan has enjoyed the Dougy Center
• Tiana turned to God through all this and has become a committed disciple and been baptized
• Troy has had more opportunity to share his testimony
• Jesse and Alex are truly gifts - to better deal with their own pain, they have taken over Caleb's role in Nathan's life and been wonderful big brothers/friends  

This is only a partial list.  I know there is much more I have pondered but I can't remember it right now so I reserve the right to edit this list as I remember more.  God has truly been Good.