Today is February 6, 2013 - a bittersweet day in my life for many reasons. The first of which is it's my 50th birthday. Turning 50 is bitter primarily because I remember in college thinking about turning 50 and predicting that I would be too old at that point to have influence on my world. And also bitter because Troy has been teasing me incessantly about joining AARP for 12 months (although he turned 50 first - go figure).
But turning 50 is actually more sweet than bitter. In the last 10 years as I have watched friends turn 50, I discovered (much to my college ego's surprise) that influence increases at 50, not decreases. I have watched them sweeten with age, as have I. The experience of 50 years brings wisdom, understanding, a longer, deeper walk with God and a sweetness in friendships I didn't have at 22. I am glad I am 50. I have SO much more character development to do but the work done so far has been worth the time and is sweet.
But today is bittersweet for another reason. Today is also the 3 month mark of Caleb's death. That seems to hold lots of bitter taste. I had NO idea 3 months ago that a single person could leave such a hole in my life. Had I known how truly large the hole would be, I would not have believed that I could live with that hole with any amount of productivity. This hole definitely is large enough to swallow me completely. It sometimes seems bigger than I am and I sometimes wonder how I am not falling in - it should be inevitable. This grief is all-consuming. It is so very much more than I ever imagined I could feel. Again, had I known how intense a grief could be, I would not have been able to imagine it not taking over completely. And not just for me, but for so many people. How did I miss this when other people around me suffered loss?
But the word bittersweet has the "sweet" side to it - not to be cast aside. In living with this hole that seems larger than I am, I find I AM living. I find that I am more compassionate to others (that character development thing). I have found that God's grace is SOOOO much bigger than my hole and so much bigger than I ever imagined. And His love for me, and for those around me grieving, is bigger and more all-consuming (if that is possible) than my grief. It's almost like I have a rope tethered to my waist that cannot be cut and it doesn't matter how deep the hole is or how strong the pull, I cannot fall in. I would never have imagined that I could be surrounded by His presence through people and in private like I am. And I'm not doing anything to attain His presence - He is just here - faithful, offering grace, offering comfort, offering peace.
I REALLY miss Caleb. I really don't want this journey. I really don't want to watch, helpless, as those I love grieve. I am so very sad as I watch the ripple effects. I am so weary of the conversations in my head of all the things I could have done different. I am tired of grieving and I'm just starting. And it seems to be getting harder. And I am so very, very tired of fighting to see the "sweet" and deny the guilt. BUT God has clearly declared His intention to claim me as His child and envelope me in His Goodness and Righteousness. He declares me guilty or not (not in this case) and He declares that He is with me and stronger than my grief. It is worth the energy it takes to fight. Besides, not fighting, but giving in, doesn't feel any better (it actually feels worse on many levels), it's just easier. But not really, because fighting alongside God today gives me the energy to do it again tomorrow.
Thank You, God, for pursuing Your people, Your created works of art.
And thank you for Your gift of Caleb. I love the part of You I saw through Your creation.
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