2 Years

It's been two years since Caleb died.  It's impossible to describe this journey.  There is never a day where it feels like 2 years ago - that is so long.  It always feels like time has passed without me tracking it.  It doesn't feel like yesterday anymore but how can it possibly have been 2 years?

I remember last year at this time.  I was so overwhelmed, unable to do much more than barely function for the day.  My grief was so very large and looming that I didn't know how to manage it or process it.  This year is different.  Not so much less grief but I am better at managing it.  This year the over-riding feeling is weariness.  I am so very tired.

 But this year also has hope.  And life.  As I watch the other kids become more functional and begin living.  It's as if we are learning how to live with our grief instead of living through grief.  Grief is no longer the driving force.  Although it's still a big influence, we are learning to put it in perspective and not allow it to destroy us any longer.

I imagine it is like a person who has lost a limb in an accident.  At first, there is the shock and constant pain and constant desire to have things back to normal.  And then there is the rehab process - learning how to function without that limb and compensate for it's absence.  Eventually, a person can function seamlessly - as though that limb were not missing.  Although, I would imagine, that person never forgets they are missing a limb and some days they notice it's absence more than other days.

I want to be the person who learns to function well with a missing piece and not be the person who is always focused on what is missing.  Last year, I wondered if we/I would be able to see beyond our loss and this year I see that process happening - HOPE.

God is, and always has been, GOOD.  I cannot express how grateful I am to have a compassionate God who is living, active, responsive, and personally involved in my life.  And, I am grateful and blessed to have a husband who has actively sought God through this process and purposed to walk compassionately and honestly with me.

Check out his blog at http://troyfarwell.blogspot.com/