In my last post, I didn't really introduce the reason for my blog. I have used journalling for most of my adult life as a way to coral my emotions. My journals have exclusively been written as prayers and I write most often when my emotions are too much for me to reason out so I write and pray and am able (usually) to stop the pity-party and at least consider God's perspective for a moment. This is currently my journal.
Caleb died 2 months ago tomorrow. There have been so many emotions in that time. Many of them have been expected, some surprising, some conflicting and some simply more intense than I think I can handle. I had no idea that a person could feel this intensely about anything. My emotions have been so intense, I have been unable to write. This week has been an especially hard week. I have a tendency to have a delayed reaction to crisis anyway but this is a little more delayed than I thought it would be.
There is so much to grieve. I simply miss Caleb. So very, very much. I miss his smile. I miss him in the kitchen with me - especially over the holidays. I miss his excitement. But mostly, I am missing his presence. I think what I miss most is the opportunity to see restoration. He had been so, so angry the last 2 years and he was returning to the person we knew so well. I was so looking forward to our relationship being restored and made new and was excited about what it would look like with college and adult Caleb.
I have always viewed the kids as a product of their character and personality, not as a product of their behavior. Their behavior needs to be addressed and praised or confronted but they are who they were created to be, not how they are acting. Caleb has always had a generous heart. He truly wanted others to be happy and would give what he could to help. And he loved to laugh! He wore his emotions on his sleeve but because he was sharing them with you not because he wanted attention. I miss his heart. I miss seeing his affect on God's kingdom. I SOOO wanted to enjoy watching him be a parent and a force in his community. I miss his future. I do truly believe God chose the timing and I do trust His sovereignty but I still miss that journey.
In the grief I have been feeling, one thought keeps coming to mind. As I heard about the positive affects of Caleb's memorial service and how God has and is working because of things that were said or who Caleb was I am blessed. But I am also angry. At one point, I commented to Troy that although I am glad that person is knowing God now, I am not ready to trade my son for their salvation (not that that is really up to me anyway). And then I thought about my God. He gave up His son by choice, knowing the pain it would cause Himself and Jesus, solely for our salvation. Our relationship with Him is so important to Him, He considered this pain a worthwhile consequence for the joy of us.
Having felt this pain, I have a new appreciation for the sacrifice. This pain is magnitudes more than I thought possible. I had NO idea. It has physical effects - causes me to be unfocused (and I am used to being very focused), causes loss of appetite, weariness with everyday activity, exhaustion, sleeplessness, guilt, more guilt, uncertainty, loss of joy even during times of laughter, tears at any time. It also has increased my compassion by magnitudes, allows me to love more freely, causes an infusion of peace, a willingness to be weak and then the opportunity to watch God work, blessings innumerable through the hands of friends, a connection with others who have also experienced loss, a dependence on God I thought I had but obviously didn't.
God willingly felt this pain. God chose to give up His Son. God is good. He is in this pain. He is on the other side of this pain. He knows this pain and is kind to me. I only hope I am faithful and continue to remember all this (part of the reason for writing it down). And I hope I can view the value of eternity differently.
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