A New Week

This week has been a new week.  It's the first week of "normality" since Caleb died.  The normalness isn't really normal but it isn't really different either.  The routine is the same and most of the time Caleb isn't at the front of the conversation or even thoughts.  But, then again, nothing is really the same.  It's still hard to stay focused and everything is harder and takes longer and seems heavier.  I never know if I'm supposed to be doing life as normal or if I'm supposed to be grieving (whatever that means).  I feel guilty whatever I do.  The hardest is watching the pain of those around me.  Especially my other 3 children.  I am so very sorry for their pain and have no way to help reduce it.

It happens, I have been looking at God and pain and the role pain plays in our relationship with our Creator. I had started to see that pain is part of the process of knowing God before Caleb died.  Not only is pain unavoidable, it truly is part of the joy of knowing God.  I think on some level, God purposes pain.  I don't believe all pain is from God, although he allows it, but I do think some comes from His hand.  And either way, it is a necessary part of intimacy.

This has been a huge perspective change for me.  Pain is not only unavoidable, it is something not to avoid.  I don't know that I'm ready to embrace it but I do need to not run from it.  I need to stay in the middle of it, engage with it, and watch God work through it.  In pain is where it is easiest for me to see God's strength in my weakness.  The humility I am beginning to develop as I simply sit with pain is surprising.  I think what surprises me the most is that in this pain I am not heading to depression or getting antsy or angry.  Don't get me wrong, I am NOT enjoying this.  Pain is hurtful and hard but allowing it to be a part of my journey, and not fighting it is showing me how to truly rest in God's peace.  I AM enjoying this peace and the beginning of truly embracing God's grace.

I sometimes feel this will be wasted, that once I am back to "normal", I will forget these lessons and go back to my old ways of thinking.  I am part of a group of people, several of whom have had indescribable times of pain and they have begun the process of seeing pain as a blessing.  And they KNOW the grace of God well.  I want to know the boundless grace of God.  I have received it as a gift, I count on it's rewards, but I don't really know it.  It's not my first thought when I consider God, it's not a high concern when I consider others, and I don't rely on it to come humbly, clean before my Holy Creator.

If pain is the vehicle to know God's grace and to come humbly before the throne of grace and quit using my goodness as my entrance card, then I am willing to stay here in the middle, at least for now.