Beyond a Year and a Half

It's been so hard to write lately.  I can only write when I have the space to process my emotions and I have been so filled with fear, it has taken up all the space (which wasn't much to begin with).

Let me start with God is GOOD!  I have not forgotten that, nor is it hidden from me.  I see His Goodness daily.  But He is not easy.  He gives much but He also requires much.  He doesn't require more than He gives but it seems He requires more than I am capable of on my own.  Which I suppose is the point but so tiring and hard when daily I start and end on empty, wondering where I will get all I need for today.

Most days I have enough for the day.  Some days I have more than I could ever expect. And some days I don't have enough and something gets missed or I get snappy or I check out or I let down family and friends.  Those days are the hardest fights.  I not only have to fight harder because I have less to give but then I also get to fight myself and my guilt and recriminations AND I usually have to fix whatever I broke.

Everyday I fight with the unfairness of Nathan's new life or Sam's struggles or Josh's pain pitted against the absolute certainty I have in the Goodness and Sovereignty of God.  Everyday I feel absolutely alone and yet I know I have a large support system.  Everyday I get mad that no one is helping me and at the same time I have people asking me almost daily what they can do.  Everyday I see something that makes me want to cry and then I have to fight to not start because I am unsure if I will be able to stop.  Everyday I wake up with a list of things to do and if the list gets accomplished I still miss Caleb and if I give myself a break and don't get the list done, I still miss Caleb (only now feel guilty). Everyday I set out to spend time alone with God and everyday I find it too hard because my wall has to come down to be in His Presence and again, I'm not sure if I will be able to function.  Everyday I feel like I am an actor in some cruel play and I really want it to be over.  Everyday I fight with reality because I just want Caleb here and everyday I have to come to grips, again, with the fact that that's not going to happen.  Everyday I wonder if and when this will end and everyday I realize it never will.  It will change, I know, and not be quite so sharp of a pain, but this pain will never leave and everyday I wonder how I will manage the pain tomorrow.  Everyday I look at the truth of the future and am defeated by the pain ahead and at the same time encouraged knowing God will be there and time will pass and I will be there and functioning (hopefully well enough to be of service to others).  Everyday I am frustrated that this defines my life (who really wants to be defined by death - and especially suicide) and I try to be me in spite of that and yet everyday I can't get away from Caleb and don't really want to.

Troy made the comment the other day that he is trying to quit living as though he died too.  I totally get that. I guess I don't know how to do that yet.  I do just want to live again.  I want to be a whole family.  I want everyone healthy.  I want no more elephants in the room for EVERY conversation.  I want to be more than the death of my son.  And I want security again.  What I have is a God who is Secure, Sovereign, Good, Trustworthy, the ultimate Healer, absolute Life, and Eternal.  One day the knowledge that I will see Caleb again will bring joy.  Right now I simply cling to the God who offers that promise and trust all that I know of Him.

Thank you, Father, for being Faithful and holding me through this and continuing to draw me to Yourself.