Birthday Time

Yesterday we celebrated Caleb's 20th birthday.  Tomorrow we celebrate Samantha's 23rd birthday.  Their birthdays have been close for 20 years (duh!).  I have worked hard over the years to make sure each child had a special day of their own without being absorbed or overshadowed by the other.  What an insurmountable task that is now.

Sam is such a wonder!  We talked about how I want to truly celebrate her.  She understands but it's hard to figure out how to do that in the aftermath of remembering Caleb.  But she tries.  And I try.  And we all give it our best effort.  And hopefully she feels as honored and treasured as she truly is.  So tomorrow has the bright packages and streamers all set out and the grandparents coming and her food of choice all ready to go!

Yesterday was a disaster.  The good part was having Caleb's friends come over to eat lunch with us. It always warms my heart when they are here because it makes Caleb seem close.  I love their energy, their stories, their life!  What I had hoped was that they would tell stories of Caleb while they were here.  I haven't heard any since he died.  I guess I was hoping he would come alive for an hour or two, on this one day of the year, through their and our stories but now the opportunity has passed with no stories told.  I'm usually pretty careful about setting expectations and usually more aware of possible pitfalls than I was yesterday.  When the stories didn't come (probably because I didn't start them), I was absolutely crushed.  I have not fallen that hard in a long time.

Reality is I may not have the chance to hear stories again for awhile.  Almost 2 years later the pain of remembering is too strong for most of my family and probably his friends.  And the reality is that I need to begin remembering my own stories and that will be painful.  But also so very sweet.  I really want to taste just a piece of Caleb for just a moment.

Tomorrow, though, is another special day.  And this one I can enjoy with no reservations.  I get to honor the "best daughter in the world".  She truly is an amazing person I look up to and admire.  She is kind, compassionate, successful, creative, beautiful, caring, hard working, honest, and best of all, she likes me!

God, I thank You for all four of my children.  They are each such beautiful gifts from You.  Thank You for my 18 years with Caleb and for 23 years with Samantha.  And especially for the precious friendship she and I have.  As always, You are a Good and Gracious Sovereign God.