I so very much appreciate my husband. I am a true introvert. I don't process well with people around, even family. I need time alone to truly process important things. So, this weekend, he allowed me time alone at the beach without making me feel guilty and without being offended. What a gift he gives me!
My processing this weekend had taken me a couple different directions. In circles of grief, we often talk about anger and forgiveness. I have had trouble figuring out exactly where I stand on these two subjects.
Anger:
I know it's OK for me to be angry. It's normal, it's legitimate, it's justified. But I'm truly not angry at Caleb. I never have been. I understand that may change and I am willing to manage that when it comes. But for now, I'm not. I am angry at the disruption to Nathan's life. I'm angry that he is now apathetic, feels defeated at life, is having a hard time just functioning in life. I'm angry that Samantha is now struggling with anger, that her dream got derailed, that she feels abandoned by her friends because death is too much for them to confront. I'm angry that this has confirmed Josh's opinion that God doesn't care about him. I get angry at my inability to be fully functioning at times, at my lack of focus, at my unending exhaustion, But that's not directed at Caleb. Or even God. It's like being angry at cancer or disease or a typhoon or sin in the world. It's not a directed anger, just a general anger. And so far, it hasn't caused me to distrust God or others or see harm around every corner or give up on life.
Forgiveness:
Since I'm not angry at Caleb, I don't see a need to forgive him. I guess I have but it wasn't hard. And I don't need to do it regularly. Also, since my anger isn't directed at anything in particular, I don't really know who or what to forgive. Troy says he forgives Caleb weekly. I think that is more for Troy than Caleb - to make sure he doesn't get overcome by bitterness. I sometimes wish I could "forgive" Caleb to have armor against bitterness but right now, I don't seem to need it. What I do need, is forgiveness for myself. I ask for forgiveness for myself regularly for any part I played in hurting him so badly. Forgiving him has been much easier than forgiving myself. Hence, guilt is another story.
Guilt/Grace:
I was talking with a mom who was asking how to not be crushed by the guilt she feels over her son's suicide. Guilt over what she did to contribute to his decision and guilt over what she didn't do to stop it. Guilt I deal with daily. Some days, I am afraid I will be crushed by it. I am convinced that the practice of acknowledging God's Grace in smaller things has allowed me to acknowledge His Grace in this monumental thing. I am more than thankful for God's consistency and generosity in giving Grace.
I would love to feel forgiven and free of guilt. Most days, I simply have to believe the truth I know - that God is and was Sovereign and had Caleb's life in His hands - that any and all mistakes I made were reclaimable by God's healing and not the cause of Caleb's death - that any part I did play is forgivable and forgiven already - that this hurt to my other children is able to be healed as well. I repeat it over and over and fall at the feet of my Savior begging for His Mercy again. Fortunately for me, He consistently puts friends in my path who gently remind me it was Caleb's decision and not my responsibility. I know that if my friend was in my position, I would be saying those same things to her and believing them. For myself, I am still having trouble accepting them but I chose to believe - at least for that one moment - which gets me to the next moment without being crushed.
What a gift Grace is! I have always known Grace is a gift beyond our understanding. With this huge weight of guilt I feel, I have an better understanding of it's gift. It's one of those dichotomies in life - to better appreciate the value of grace we have to mess up even bigger. I once prayed for a better understanding of Grace and at the time thought "Wait a minute! That means I will have to mess up more. I'm not sure I'm going to like this process." And, I don't. But the gift and the Giver are so much larger than my guilt. How undeserving I am to receive this gift. And how grateful I am.
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